Obsession........

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Everything happens for a reason.


Isn't that what we're always told? Are we trained to believe that? Do you believe it? Do I? Are things supposed to fall apart? Are you supposed to get upset? Are you supposed to get hurt? Am I asking too many questions? Am I supposed to have one horrible parent? Am I supposed to be replaced? Is this too sad for you? Is it ok to act happy when I'm secretly broken hearted? Is it ok just to wanna be loved?


I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I want a best friend. I want my dad. I want to be the girl who has 37 likes on a picture. I want to be the girl that makes perfect grades. I want to be the one that has the cutest clothes in school. I want to be rich. Is it ok to want everything? Is it ok to want things that are impossible? Is it ok to want to reach something I can't?


It's like this; I have dreams. I have hopes, high hopes. I want things I'll never get.


I want too much, but all I truly want...is to be loved. To be loved by those who don't love me and never will.


I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. I ramble on forever. But my biggest flaw...I want things I can't have


I say things over and over again, I repeat myself in multiple ways. I'm too nice but sometimes I'm too mean.


I'm just continuing to go on about nothing..rambling about the random thoughts that go through my heart and head. What if I say something wrong? What if something I say offends you? Or you? Or you? What if I say something that blows up in my face? More flaws I find in myself.


Well why I continue to question things all day, everyday...I'll find the answers somehow...maybe...

My Escape!

Being at the river today has showed me an escape is possible. Jumping from rock to rock and almost falling in risking the chance of the rapid flow pulling you somewhere scary makes me feel like a little kid again. I've never felt more loved around the people I was with today. Tori, Catherine, Jordan, and even Alex just make me smile. Meeting Kristina for the first time ever was enjoyable too. Along with Jenna..even though I've heard negative things about her she's still precious. Anyways, back to what I was saying; the river is freedom and freedom is the river. 

Remember those bullitens we used to do on myspace ...oh yeah ;)

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?

I don't think so

What were you doing at 10:30 last night?

nadaaaa

Are you listening to music right now?

yessir, A little bit stronger by Sara Evans

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm, duh!

What were you doing at 7am this morning?

sn00000zin

Were you happy when you woke up today?

I was nonchalant

 

What mood are you in right now?

an ok one

Is your room ever clean?

almost always

Has anyone got on your nerves today?

nopeeee

What were you doing before filling out this survey?

creepin on facebook, as always

What was the first thing you thought this morning?

I have to pee...

What are you excited for?

SUMMA

What piercings do you have?

first, second, third, and fourth hole, double cartilage, middle cartilage, tragus, and belly button

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?

there used to be

Who's thinking about you right now?

probably no one :p

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them?

yeah but not that kind of love, atleast not anymore

Do you like to cuddle?

I dooo

Will your next kiss be a mistake?

well, that depends on who it is..but probably hahaha

Do you think two people can last forever?

yep, I do

How many texts are in your inbox?

a lot...my phone doesn't count haha

Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?

Kaitlyn Warnerr <3

How late did you stay up last night?

12:15?

Why did you stay up that late?

It's normal

When was the last time you cried, really hard?

Hmm Monday?

When is the next time you'll hug someone?

today!

Are you afraid of roller coasters?

not at all, love 'em

How is life going for you right now?

it's finee

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

always, it's the only way I do things!

What's a concern of yours right now?

I'm always concerned haha

Are you keeping a secret right now?

yes I am

Do you miss the way things used to be?

I certainly do

What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?

aww we'd have precious  babies <3

Do you think you can last for an hour without talking?

nope haha

Do you like getting hugs from other people?

sure I do

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?

not in a sentimental way but yaaaa

How many times is A in your full name?

uno

Are your toenails painted?

hot pink!

Are you taller than 5 foot 4?

no, I'm 5'3

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?

when it's straightened

Do you know anyone else with your name?

I do

Are you in a relationship?

..no

Do you think your ex will ever want to be with you again?

he does want to be with me

Who is the last person you kissed?

..... no

Do you think you will ever get married?

of course!

Have you ever been in love?

mhm

Have you ever had two dates in one night?

no?

Do you have any pets?

my pupppy<3<3

Two feelings at the moment?

dead and dead

Say your ex runs up to you and hugs you?

I'd hug back I guess

Anything you'd like to say to someone?

haha no I'll keep it to myself

Are you taller than your dad?

nope

Do you sleep on your stomach?

Yeah that's the only way I sleep comfortably

Are you happy with your life at the moment?

I guess so

What is something you disliked about today?

well it's only noon and I haven't done anything

Do you wish someone would call you?

no not really

Who was the last person you thought of?

your mom

The last person you kissed needs you at 3 AM, would you go?

I mean sure why not

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

maybe idk

What are you thinking about right now?

everything

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

not particularly

Looking forward to anything?

today

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?

don't they always?

When you throw up do you cry?

not always

What have you eaten today?

peanut butter granola bar hahaha

Do you find it cute when boys/girls call you cute names?

I guess

Anything bothering you right now?

of course

What is something that confuses you?

saoskopisgodf

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?

cheering competition

Who was the last person you hugged?

Kody? woah that's weird ...

When's the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?

oh gosh I dunno

Have you ever quoted a line from a movie?

always!

What are you drinking right now?

nothingg

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?

nope

Is it warm outside?

I haven't been outside haha

Status of you and the last person to send you a text?

she'd be my big seeeesster<3

Is your sister a slut?

I dunno, I've never met her. She has a boyfriend though so I doubt itt

Everyone deserves a second chance right?

as many chances as you're willing to give

Has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?

haha yeah?

Who was last to cook for you?

subway

Are you a morning person or a night person?

night, hollla

When is the last time you wore a sports jersey?

I have absolutely no idea, probably freshmen year

Has anyone ever sang to you?

hahahahahahaha oh god

Do you like someone?

nope

Ever made out in a car?

haha yep

Has anyone ever told you that you were beautiful?

mhm

Did the last person you kissed have a tattoo?

uh

Would you ever color your hair brown?

it is brown

Do you think it is disgusting for girls to drink alcohol and get drunk?

not really, do what ya wanna do

Would you rather hang with a bunch of girls or boys?

boys

How did you wake up this morning?

there's a certain way to wake up..?

Do you regret doing something today?

no

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?

of course

Are you afraid of the dark?

YES

Who do you have texts from in your phone?

catherine, alex, twitter, joe, robert, kaitlyn warner, kaitlyn simmons, kathryn, trevy, connor, ryan, nick miles, hunter, parkerr, wes, tori mcclellan, tori hessler, timmothey, harry, jesscuh, mom, emma, nick nivar, nick gorski, ross, sean, my aunt, collin, ok..if I went through my whole inbox you'd have everyone from last month too..I'm stopping here at Tuesday

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

like 11

What color is the carpet in the room you're in?

tan ish

do you miss me?

I miss you. I still love you. I still want you in my life. I still want to be best friends. I still want you to love me. I still want you to buy me gummy bears and steal the last blue one. I still want you to talk to me on the phone til 5 am. I still want you to tell me you'll always protect me. I still want you to tell me I'm safe. I still want to spend Friday nights at Ice Zone like kewl kids. I still want you to give me piggy back rides to the lake and spontaneously kiss my forehead. I still want you and I to go on adventures to find the big purple cookie. I still want to go to Barnes and Noble for hours and hide because it's thundering. I still want to run into you at the mall when you're with your girl friend at the time and you still come find me just to bring me that one blue gummy bear you took from me a year before. I still want you to tell me you love me more than Kurt Cobain. I miss you. I miss just talking about things in general rather than you talking about hooking up. I don't want to feel like I'm missing something because I don't see you anymore. I don't want you to keep getting distant from me. I want you to actually text me back when I pour my heart out to you. I want you to treat me the way you did when we were together. I want to go back to June 21 a few years ago, right back to where it all started when things were perfect..when I had all I needed and wanted.

Growing up? What is that?

"Your best friends become your worst enemies. Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Cell phones are used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda become vodka. Underwear turn into thongs. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging in the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? When Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and Mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest? War was only a card game, the only drug you knew was cough medicine and wearing a skirt didn't make you a whore. The only things that hurt you were skinned knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? The only drama you knew of was Romeo and Juliet. The only thing you could cheat in was games, and players were only for sports, not relationships. The only curse word you knew was "shut up". The only way we could change was with clothes and not ourselves. Yet we absolutely couldn't wait to grow up and now growing up is our worst fear. It's funny how hello is always accompanied by goodbye. It's funny how good memories can make you start to cry. It's funny how forever never seems to really last. It's funny how much you'd lose if you forgot about your past. It's funny how friends can just leave you when you're down. It's funny how when you need someone they're never around. It's funny how people change and think they're so much better. It's funny how so many lies can be packed in one love-letter. It's funny how people forgive even though they can't forget. It's funny how one night can contain so much regret. It's funny how ironic life turns out to be."

I'm always getting strongerr

The Epitomy of Strength

To most people, a good friend may mean the world to you. There are good friends...bad friends...and worse than bad friends. The good ones keep you from quitting life. The bad ones make you want to quit life. And the worse than bad ones make you actually quit life. Being a good friend doesn't always mean you have to be nice...it means you have to trust and be there. A good friend tells you your shirt makes you look fat, a bad friend tells you it looks awesome on you. Am I right? 

Now, if it wasn't for my friends..I would have probably quit life by now. My friends mean the absolute world to me. I can't even describe my love for them all. Tori Hessler-Allen, Kathryn Binns, Anna Davidson, Tori McClellan, and Catherine Meyer have always been there from the very start of middle school; they are what I call "best friends" even sisters. These girls have never let me down, they have never turned their back on me even if we're fighting, and they all show such great strength.

Now being in high school I've made some new friends too that I know I can go to about anything. They're ones that never fault in making me smile. Emma Williamson and Kaitlyn Simmons. I love them with my everything.

As for middle school, there's a few that I was always close with and have now drifted. Tiffany Clodfelter, Ryan Galaspie, and Kaitlyn Warner. I haven't seen any of these three in quite some time minus a football game here and there but they were all my world at once and I would still always do anything for any of them.

There's two whom I've had a rough patch with; Monica Bowling and Chris. They both were my number one's in middle school/elementary school. We all had problems around middle school and our friendships terminated. Recently though, me and Monica have recovered a long lost friendship and hopefully nothing will get in the way. As for Chris, who knows..who cares right now.

There's also Channing Jefferies, I have never actually met her but we bonded over a boy. Ever since then, we've been closer than my feet and the ground. She's such a ray of sunshine and I absolutely adore her.

This is too much for a simple "title"

When I was younger, I saw my dad all the time and spent so much time with him..especially on his birthday. He taught me not to pick my nose, he taught me how to burp on command (which is probably why I put boys to shame when I burp), he taught me how to state the alphabet backwards, and he taught me to like green beans by telling me "they would make my eyelashes grow long and pretty." Now as I've grown up, I see him maybe twice a year; if I'm lucky and the best he tries to teach me is "to not chew on my fingers to where I won't have finger nails anymore." He's supposed to pick me up every Wednesday and every other weekend according to the court when I was 18 months old but he's never come to get me once. I'm sure every girl dreams of her dad walking her down the isle on her wedding day. I feel like this dream is close to impossible for me because mine won't even give me the time of day to text me back. It proves to me he could care less and that throws me off track. I seem like I hate him...but it's all an act. I really don't, but I don't love him either; I don't even know him. Day by day I hear a new story about some horrible action he has done and it breaks my heart; although nothing is harder than hearing about my friends being "daddy's little girl" because I know it will never be that way for me. Around this age is when most girls "hate" their parents but in all honesty, I've never wanted a parent more in my life. Looking back on my past, I've gone through a whole lot..it's all been an up and down roller coaster that never ends and well we all have but the hardest thing I've ever gone through was this. This whole not having a dad is heartbreaking, it messes with my mind, and it's true and pure torture. Now you all may think I'm being dramatic about this but it's probably because you have your dad in your life, your dad never walked away from you before you were even born, your dad doesn't ignore you, your dad respects you, and your dad probably treats you like a princess. 

me and my daddy, the only picture of us in existance

Regardless of all the negativity I have towards him for breaking my heart, I still would do anything for him.

SB BITCHEZZZZZZZ;)

SPRING BREAK, HOLLLLA

what I expect: 

tori hessler allen

bay

tanning

sleeping

va beach with tori jo and cath

no school

sleepovers with whoever

no fights with joe bc I refuse to even deal with him

shoeless

bathing suits

sneaking out

attractive boys

movies

ramen noodles

staying up all night

receiving my new phone cover

what I got:
tori hessler allen
bay
tanning
sleeping
no school
sleepovers
no fights with joe
shoeless
new* bathing suits
movies
staying up all night
receiving my new phone cover ....and breaking it ooooppppsss

sb could have been a little better but that's ok

Titleless..nah more like speechless

 BORN TO BE HATED, DYING TO BE LOVED


Can I be honest about something? I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life. I seriously think I have everything I need/want. But wait...what is happiness? It's a nine letter word and it means being completely amazed the people in your life. I know this sounds horrible but I think knowing I don't have to worry about a relationship anymore just let's me feel free. Nothing feels greater than freedom, it's almost like I can fly. Even though I've got rough family issues, I know I can count on my mom. Even though I feel like I'm losing my best friend, I know she still cares. Even though my house is hot as Hattie's right now, I'm still just baffled with happiness. I know I'm no poetic writer but ya know what? I don't care hehehe

"Being happy doesn't mean things are perfect, it means seeing past all the imperfections & being ok with them"

What ya want BUCKY DONE GUN!

I think this weather is the culprit for my FAAAABULOUS mood. Spring Break is in 4 days and I cannot wait to be with my lovey Tori Colleeeeeeeeen:) She da best!


lawlz jk, jamin to Britney Spears is the culprit ;)