Let Go

I've recently learned if you take everything so seriously, you'll never be happy. If you let people affect you in the sense of hurting your feelings over harsh words then you simply need to re-evaluate your life and thoughts. When you stop worrying so much and just let loose and free, the happiness usually comes right afterwards. Look at me, I was the most depressed, sad, heartbroken, lost, angry girl but then when I decided to just live... I haven't been happier and I don't even have a reason. I'm just living and it's the best feeling in the whole world. 

Trust

Trust - the act of feeling emotions powerful enough to allow yourself vulnerability and let your guard down around some one. Most must earn trust, it is not simply given. There are few you give trust to though, with a natural feeling of comfort. You wonder why you trust few so easily but it's simply caused by their energy and compassion mixed with your own energy and compassion. The ability to be trusted so easily is a real gift and a prize. You must never lose sight of the ones you trust crystal clear. It will always be senseless regardless of how hard you try to understand why but you just have to soak it in and run with it.

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes.

I look in the mirror and think so myself: "who am I?" I've been wondering that for the last year. Everything about myself makes me unhappy. Every last detail, I wonder why I'm the way I am. Maybe it's from all the damage that's been mentally done to me. Maybe I'm at my last leg and I can't take anymore so I just shut down inside and think to myself about all the things I could change to make me better. I never act on it though, I stay the same person I've been unhappy with for so long. I question every action I take and ask "what could I have done different, done better?" I'm falling down, crumbling to pieces and for what? For nothing. I feel so alone day in and day out. Maybe it's because people hear, but don't listen. I can't recall the last time some one asked me if I was ok or asked "what's going on in that mind of yours?" People just don't care, they make me feel useless. I wonder why we're programed to be the shitty people we are and no answers have called down to me. Sometimes, I just feel senseless. Wait...no, I always have a sense, a sense I wish I couldn't feel. At least not as roughly. I don't know what I'm going to do to make myself feel any better, I don't know if I even want to try because it's always going to get shot down leaving me feeling alone and helpless...

Why? Why is all I can ask.

The way teenagers, and adults for that matter, treat each other these days sends so much hatred and heartbreak through my limbs and veins and heart. It upsets me to the core yet there's no escape. Thinking about the 6 young people that have died in the past year should show everyone we're not as invincible as we may think. We're the complete opposite.There's so much violence and mistreatment towards everyone. Such hostility rather than working something out is just ignorant. One day, one day...I hope we all learn from our mistakes rather than making them over and over and over again. It's not fair to others for acting the way we do.We must be the change we want to see...but why haven't we changed?

Gage Edwards (boog), Avery Spence (ave the rave), Maggie Moyler, Hunter Hatcher, Tre Walton (sleepy), and Tyler Davidson...I hope you angels are resting in paradise and watching over all of us. You're either workin hard or hardly workin ;) You are all so missed and so loved. 

These thoughts bring me to another point too. Gage's parents question maybe God is preparing us for some big event brewing. Or taking you good ones to prevent you from being jaded and lost into the madness of reality. I wonder if his parents are right. It all makes sense to me.

How do you know?

Sometimes I wonder what true love really is. How do people know when they're in love? Is it a feeling..or a look..or what? How long does it take to fall in love..is there a limit? Can you genuinely fall in love more than once?

I can honestly say my boyfriend is the most amazing guy I've ever known. He's so real and genuine, he's caring and compassionate. He makes me feel a happiness I didn't know existed in my deep, dark, mysterious world. If he makes me feel this that I've never felt before, am I in love with him? I know I love him, he's more than perfect for who I want to be with. Being in his presence just gives me intense butterflies and my whole body tingles. When he comes over and knocks on my door, just looking through my peep hole seeing he's here, tangible and I can grab him and reach him and never let go sends chills down my back. Looking deeply in his eyes and just not being able to control a grin from ear to ear dash out of my face, glowing brighter than the sun, makes me know I wouldn't ever have the desire to be with anyone else but him. Am I blinded by those pacific blue eyes...or is it love growing? How do you know...

Rest in Peace, angel

Gage Michael Edwards left his mark on us, like tattoos on this town. I love you forever and you're always in my heart. I miss you more and more everyday baby. It's crazy that it's already been four months since you've been gone. I keep hoping I'll wake up in the morning and this will all be a really long, cruel, nightmare, and you'll be there in the morning. Just promise me you'll fly high and watch over all of us and keep us safe. You're our guardian angel. 

I swear this time I mean it.

Nothing feels worse than making some one your everything and caring about them so much only to have them forget about you and act as if you only exist when it's convenient for them. This, would be some one whom makes me feel like that. He is my bestfriend. I feel like I invest all my time in catering to him and expressing to him how much he means to me. He doesn't care though. He pretends I'm only here when he's bored. I try my best to please him, help him, care for him, and make him realize I'm here for him but he only seems to push away more and more everyday. We went through a rough patch in December, but I didn't think that would ruin our friendship. I love this kid with all I have and I wish him loved me back. He says he does, but actions speak louder than words. Atleast that's what my mom has always told me. We look stupid in this picture but it was the first picture we ever took together. I miss showing up at his house, bawling my eyes out like when Gage died, and him being the only person who was there for me through it all. He would always tell me it's ok and he's there for me. And I believed it, I thought I was actually his bestfriend too. I was for a little, but then he grew apart from me. He's the one person who is never here for me. I text him all the time with a problem or call him and he just ignores it or tells me to suck it up. It's not that easy, sometimes I need you to care too. No one makes me smile as bright as Trey does. No one makes me laugh as hard as Trey does. No one makes me love as genuinely as Trey does. No one makes me as happy as Trey does, even though he hasn't been a great bestfriend to me lately...he still makes me happy. Just seeing him makes me jump for joy. I miss going to his house and jumping on his bed like a bunch of baboons being goofier than ever. I love him, with all my heart and I always will. He has made a huge impact on me and I can honestly say I'll never forget him. There's so much more I could say about him but thinking about it leaves me at a loss of words. 

 

"I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best"

In these bodies we will live, and these bodies we will die.

Nothing is sweeter than looking into your eyes

I love your smile. I love your dimples. I love your bright blue atlantic eyes. I love your smell. I love the way your hands feel. I love scratching your back. I love how you get embarrassed easier than anyone I know. I love how when you feel embarrassed, your face turns cherry red. I love your hugs, so tight and caring. I love your kisses, so gentle and content. I love the way you fidget when you're nervous. I love the way you look at me and just get this stupid smirk on your face. I love your friends. I love when you come over, tired after work for five minutes, just to kiss me goodnight. I love when I wake up to paragraph texts from you explaining how you feel because you're not one to open up and express what you're thinking. I love how you you play with my hair. I love when you sleepover and wake up in the middle of the night and wiggle which wakes me up then you kiss me and rub my back til I fall back asleep. I love when I look up at you and you glow. I love how you kiss me unexpectedly on my forehead and cheeks and lips and neck and tummy. I love how you spend every moment you can with me and still balance everything out in your life. I love the hairs on your stomach and the little faint hairs under your eyes. I love when you call me baby and princess. I love how you make me know you care about me. I love how you go out of your way to do what you can for me. I love how you're so book smart, but lack all common sense. I love how you involve yourself in sports; and when you're about to go to a game, you get more excited than an eight year old on Christmas morning. I love how you're so modest and don't boast about all the amazing traits you obtain. I love how you can tell when something's wrong and you don't stop til you know what's making me upset and fix it to your best ability. I love how you drive really fast because "you like to get where you're going." I love how your eyes squint really tight when you laugh. I love spending every waking moment I can with you and I wouldn't have it any other way at all. You're all mine, and I like it that way.

The sweet isn't as sweet without the bitter.

Tonight seems like another sleepless night where I sit up all night pondering upon pointless thoughts. Everything's just one up and down roller coaster ride after another. I'm in love with my bestfriend and crazy about my boyfriend. I miss gages big blue eyes more and more everyday. My sister still hasn't talked to me, it's been almost a month. I've done nothing wrong to her but she just shut me out and I miss her. I hate pretending to be nice to people I don't like. My brothers mom is a perfect example. She pulled some psycho things on my mom when she was pregnant with me and I'm not really pro-Sabrina for what she did. But I miss my brother and I want to see him so I'm forced to be nice to Sabrina. Brent is always on my mind though speaking of my brother. I wish he didn't live so far away. I wonder if my papas gunna be ok or my Mimi or my Nannie. They're all so sick from pulmonary fibrosis to lupus to severe cancer. I wonder when it'll end. I like to try to keep a smile on my face though, everyone has enough problems as it is they shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm a tough girl...I've gone through enough, I can handle myself right? I'm glad people I trust are the only ones that can read this. I'd be mortified if the public read my deepest thoughts and secrets. The thing I hate about high schoolers is they're always judging, never stoping once to think about what other people are going through. Even if it's something small and pointless, it's still not easy and may be hard. Judging some one doesn't define the judegee it defines the judger. If I could get along with everyone, I really would. I hate how there's the "popular cool" kids and the "weird kids" that no one talks to. They're typically the nicer ones and easygoing. I like them much better. Like this one girl in my chemistry class, she's quite different than the normal Midlothian high schooler and I talked to her for the first time today. She was so nice and complimentive. I respected it so much. I used to go about my daily routines being a sad girl whom dwelled on everything. Plus only talked to people that were "cool" but I'm getting a new outlook upon things. I guess it's part of growing up. My days go better when I'm putting on a smile whether it be fake or not, it still makes my days better. Maybe I'll try to sleep now. Goodnight blogger :)

Suffocation, no breathing

When it rains it pours. But apparently there's always sun peeking through the clouds? Why can't I see the sun? I feel like I'm suffocating in my problems. I lie in bed staring, I always feel my walls moving in on me. I feel like I'm drowning in self pity. I dream of some one sweeping me off my feet and caring me into a dream land where everything is perfect. But in reality nothing is ever perfect. When im happy, something always invades it and sends me in a spiraling daze of confusion. A confusion that makes me a wreck, where I feel like I'm falling apart. I drove away from Trey's today bawling my eyes out. I don't cry, let alone in front of people and I cried on trey today. I opened up and let my guard down to him and I didn't expect that. I thought I was doing so good at holding a wall up between my weakness but clearly, I wasn't doing a very good job. Every time he would ask me if I was ok, I'd respond yes. I wonder if he knew I was lying. Because I'm really not ok. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so lost, and I don't feel like I'm in control of anything anymore. I feel like other people are controlling my life, my happiness, and all the above.

This is pointless.

I run away from my problems whether than face the truth. When I'm scared of getting in trouble, I lie. Giving up is not in my vocabulary. I'm only 5'3. I have more than one best friend; Emma, Collin, and Shannon. Losing some one is my biggest weaknesses. I please people and make them happy before myself. I think cheering is dumb but I love it more than anything. Trashy girls make me angry. I'm the biggest hypocrite. I wish my best friend didn't move to Fredericksburg. The past year has left me in an absolute mess. I can honestly say I am unhappy. I believe in fairy tales. I think Harry is an asshole but I still care about him. It doesn't take much at all to get me down let alone fall apart. When people say negative things about my insecurities, I turn into a wreck. Snoring makes me cringe. I burp more than the average male. My mom is my biggest hero and my number one. The beach is my happy place. I wish I was flawless when the truth is, I have more flaws than anything else and I'm ok with that. I love pizza but Chinese food is my favorite. I have Judaism in my blood line. I'm boy crazy. I want my dad in my life but that's the one thing I will never have. I work way too much. I never get a break from anything. I want to be happy. My nails are almost always painted. I'm so lazy I can hardly ever get up to even shut my door. I hate everyone but I'm nice. I can be a blunt bitch. I'm two-faced at times and have said at least one bad thing about every one. I wish I was different. I like my body but I'm constantly finding things I don't like about it. I always think about the past. I dwell on everything. I think I'm going to fail in life. My dad is a prick, I wish he loved me. I lose friends regularly. I'm terrified of falling in love but I obsess over it. I get sick a lot. I live on twitter. I believe in things happen for a reason. I like Cory, a lot. He slept over last night. I stare at my ceiling at night and think about everything. I easily get hurt and I'm sensative. I put up a front on who I am. I think I'm a good friend, if I really care about you because I would do anything for anyone. I rant a lot. I'm done. Bye. 

Because of You

Hard times happen, we all deal with it in a different way. I'm always being damaged by my dad. He will never change.

Save your heart

"She struggles to find herself in time, but she can barely move. Just try to get up, you've got to slowly brush off - I know that words aren't enough but you're better than this. Save your heart..."

Is it ok to feel again? To move away from my numb, cold, dark inner demons..

Fear is the heart of love

Everthing always ends in "what if?"

It all started on a balmy hot Friday night, June 11th 2010 to be exact. You rolled up to Tori's with Matt and I just saw you as this cute guy who I wanted to know. I was surprisingly more shy than I had imagined to getting to know you but by the end of the night we were flirting and hanging out. Later that night I recall texting Matt about you and then we were chatting a little to the point where you gave me your  number. I remember it as it were yesterday even though it was a year and a half ago. We talked every day all day after that night. We hung out a little before we quickly jumped into a relationship. 11:11pm on June 25, 2011 it officially turned into us. You then left to a place that ruined it all for a month over the summer. I remember you calling me every night to talk to me, little did I know you had been cheating on me. I was gone for cheering camp when you came home and the day I got back we all went to Busch Gardens; me, you, your sister, your mom, your brother, and his girlfriend. We were all having a blast, while I was still clueless that you had been cheating on me. It wasn't long after that when I found out of your thoughtless actions that led me down a heart broken road. I found out about the first girl; the minute I found out I collapsed to the ground, breathless, wondering why you could do this to me after you said you loved me. I was told about another girl, whom you swore to me you didn't cheat on me with but then the day before Thanksgiving I found out it was all a lie. Everything, you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I still stuck with you, stayed in a relationship with you and after a while had seemed to forget the hell you put me through. Right before school started I ended it but we were still together. I took you back again and in March, I finally realized I couldn't handle looking at you every day thinking it was still the same, thinking you really did love me. How could you love me after you cheated on me? It wasn't possible. You swore to me you did though and I believed you. We spent every day together almost. I attended your hockey games, came over for dinner rather often, cooked with your mom and dad and sister, went away for the weekend with you, went to lunch with you after school, got to know all of your friends as well as you got to know mine, and I loved you. We still stayed together after this harsh realization it was all a lie but then I just couldn't handle it and in May, it was finally all over. For good. You kept chasing after me, and I wasn't having it. I ran away from all my problems and they kept coming after me again. I pushed and pushed away from you harder and harder each time and you finally stopped. Then everything in my life kept getting worse and worse and it was all crumbling around me. I didn't know who else to turn to, I didn't know where to go. It was like I was trapped in a maze you didn't realize you were the light at the end of the tunnel. I just gave up, and ran to you as my safe place again. Now, we've got our friendship back and that's more than we've been able to say since June. It's started to hit me that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to open up to you again so that's what I've been doing. And now I keep pondering upon the idea: what if it worked out between us? We were the strong couple, we got through it all. We made it through the roughest problems. We taught each other what love was..what trust was..what honesty was. Maybe it didn't start out like that after all we went through but a world of WHAT IFS is running through my head. I do love you, with all my heart. Maybe not the love I thought it was but I still love you. You are my best friend. Even though you like this girl I work with and I like some guy I work with, I still wonder...wonder about crazy things. I wonder more and more everyday.

One and only

This woman right here, to the left in the picture with me, means more to me than anything. She means more to me than my friends, my phone, food, and life itself. I love her more than I could ever show or tell and I wish I could show her that. I mess up a lot and find myself in situations which disappoint her. It breaks my heart to break her heart and find her angry with me. Starting today until forever, I will prove to her that I mean that. I will prove to her I love her and care about her. She is so strong and deals with a lot, yet she stands strong and doesn't let anything get her down. She's the one that helps me find my inner strength, she helps me succeed, and she's gotten me to where I am today. My mom is my hero, she's my world. Everything about her is what I want to be. I look up to her and haven't shown her that. I need to grow up and mature and be the young lady she wants me to be. One thing I love about my mom is if something is wrong and I don't know what to do, I can run to her and she will give me the best advice she can. She's wise, she's smart, and she's beautiful from the inside out. I will show her I love her and mean all of this. I will show her I'm better than how I've been acting. I will do what she asks and fix myself..all for her. She deals with my dad and his crap on a daily basis, her mother has cancer and won't be around for long, her dad died on Valentine's day and her relationship with him was the same mess I go through yet she never falls and she never fails to be an amazing person. In simple words, I love my mom.

A promise.

Here lately I've been messing up terribly. I've disappointed my mom and that kills me that I did something to hurt her. She's my number one and my only one. This is my promise that I will better myself and become the person I'm supposed to be. I'm going to grow up and prove I'm not a terrible person like everyone thinks. I've let people down and done wrong and it's not ok with me in the least bit.

I'm going to work on my grades

I'm going to stop drinking and doing the typical bad teenager stuff

I will not lie

I will not cheat

I will not say mean things nor do mean things

And most importantly I will prove to my mom I care about her, love her, and respect her

I'm going through a rough time which has caused me to act out I guess. I may not be happy and there may be a lot wrong with me but I will fix that, starting today. I'm starting fresh. From here on out I will be a different person and shine the light on more positive things. I promise.

Please forgive me I have sinned

This is the last person I expected to blog about but I miss this person more than I ever imagined.

We dated for a year and it was all a crazy roller coaster with us. We both hurt each other in ways we never imagined but look at us now..we're having a life talk. I never thought the day would come for us to drop our past, mature, and get over it all. To this day you mean so much to me, you were such a big part of my life for so long and it's a relief you're back in it. Especially now, the conversation we're having is rather deep and at this moment, I don't know what I would do without you.

We've had our ups and a hell of a lot of downs but it taught us how to love, how to trust, and how to open up to other people. You're so amazing and you know my heart better than I do. and I never truly said goodbye to what we were in a respectful way, and I'm sorry for that. We did some messed up things to each other but we're learning. This is just a small little blog about the things I want to say but I'm glad to have you back as a best friend type of person jke<3

The crazy things

It's interesting and moving to think about how much I've gone through in general, particularly the last year. From losing friends, to getting arrested, to not getting along with my mom so dramatically where I wasn't even living with her, to getting my heart smashed by some one that meant the world to me, to my mom getting into a rough car accident and hospitalized, down to Gage's death; plus much more. It's all affected me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I had never felt so weak and defeated. In all honesty, I felt incredibly broken. Until tonight, I realized the amount of strength I've consumed. I've grown up so much more than half the people I know. I've matured in a number of perspectives. This has all been a windy road and one rough journey after another. I wouldn't be where I'm at without my friends but most of this has been inner demons and fears being conquered. Empowerment would be the perfect word to describe this feeling. I'm ambitious and I will go far if i keep this content state up. Everything has changed, maybe it wasn't for the better; but change isn't what to fear. Fear itself is what I should be afraid of. If I overcome fear..nothing will ever stop me.

I like to ponder upon everything

I get so lost sometimes, lost in thought. All I do is sit and think about what it is and what it could be. I never know right from wrong anymore.

Sometimes I think about Harry. I think about how much I love him and how much I wish things weren't so screwed up with us. I think about how things would be if he loved me back. I ponder upon the idea that will happen one day. Then I realize I really don't care because I have my new interest which leads to Cory. I've known him since summer and we haven't really hung out much but he brings the genuine smile out me. Staring into his big teal blue eyes and the side view of his dimples pulls me in and gives me a shock of excitement...that maybe we'll turn into something and I'll be happy again like I was with Harry and Joe at one point. I always have fun when I'm around him. We get along so well, we have a lot in common. Not to mention, I cried on him. I don't cry nor infront of people because I feel weak and broken down. Sometimes Trey even comes across my mind. I've never felt so comfortable around some one before, i can just be my true, goofy self around him but I haven't been much of an interest to him. He just throws me aside because he's got some one else in the picture. It doesn't really bother me because I want him happy..he's a great friend too. He was one of the few here for me when Gage died and it meant the world to me. Brought me closer to him I guess.

I feel like all I think about anymore is boys but that's not everything that comes across my mind. I can't help but think about my dad on a regular basis. Curiosity supposedly killed the cat so if I dug a little deeper and became curious about him, it wouldn't kill me would it? I can't talk about him anymore though..he brings this huge rush of anger in me where I just want to throw something. I wonder how he can just throw his own daughter away like garbage. It's so pathetic, grow some balls asshole.

Today during behind the wheel, we were driving on the highway and my instructor asked "Sydney, did you see the road name under us, we just passed it..?" of course I wasn't paying attention so I asked him about it. He stated "it was Qualla road...I'm surprised you aren't thinking about anything." my heart absolutely dropped to my stomach. For those of you who don't know, a good friend of mine died in a car accident on that road two weeks ago from today. In that moment that it was brought up to me, I sank low into the seat silently and stared out the window. I was speechless. I haven't blogged about his death because it was too difficult but I don't understand why bad things happen to such good people. I'll always miss Gage, he will always be on my mind. I'll never forget about him. He's so special and certainly earned a place in my heart forever.

I'll just be laying here tonight, pondering some more upon everything.

Honestly

Some things are just better left unsaid.

Hopeless

I go from beyond happy and feel like everything is perfect then all of a sudden I realize things aren't perfect and my world just comes crashing down. I'll feel like I have everyone I need to feeling so alone as if no one cares. Some days aren't that bad but some days, the worst thoughts go through my head. I feel useless and hopeless like I'm nothing to anyone. I know this is so dramatic but I can't help how I feel sometimes. It's an uncontrollable feeling and I want it to go away. I'm at the point where I really have no words for anything.

This could really be a good life, good life

The dream world is where I want to live

Your name is happy? Nice to meet you!

It's time to go out and be myself again. I used to smile all the time and it looked stunning on me so I think I'll go back to that. I'm supposed to be the strong one who hold people together and I like it that way. I deserve to be happy so hello I'm Sydney and I'm happy, nice to meet you!

Am I asking for too much?

I'm in love with love..the idea, the physical aspect, the feeling, all of it. The reason I think I'm always searching so hard for some one is because I want love. I want some one to love me. I want to be loved by some one who would do anything for me. I want to be loved by some one who would go out of their way for me. I just want some one to love me and show they love me. I don't want it to be just anyone though, I want it to be some one special. I want it to creep up and come out of no where. I want to be truly cared about. I want to be able to just call some one and say come over or can I come over and the answer to always be yes. I want to be in my room and find their items placed throughout my room. I want to sleep in their shirt or hoodie. I want to just be able to kiss them no matter the time or occasion, just do it because I care too. I want to be able to look at them and they know what meaning that facial expression has. I want to be able to just laugh, cry, smile, and be myself around some one. I want some one I can act like a little kid around or act mature. I want some one who won't judge me for every little thing I do and I want some one who will accept me for me. 


It's funny how guys complain about how there are no girls out there but look right in front of you, what am I? That's what I thought.....

It's so weird

How people you know become people you knew

Me against the world

In the end

I expect too much from you only to get nothing in return.

My mind is in a daze, I'm left with no clue

Because I know things aren't right.

Tired of you, it's time I speak up

You aren't perfect nor a good person, but I see past your flaws

Confusion leads to fake smiles

How it all started

Random thoughts going through my head

I'm being attacked with a variety of emotions lately that switch around from hot and cold vigorously. I'll start the day off extremely tired and just really nonchalant. By the middle of the day my mood is typically a really positive one and I feel strong, and happy. An hour or so later I'll find myself dreading every second of the day. Then when I come home, I either come home to happiness or just finding out more bullshit that gets pulled behind my back. When it's time to sleep, I find myself thinking very deeply about the past hour, days, weeks, months, and years. Then comes a depression that hits me like a brick wall. I feel a huge rush of something negative I can't even put into words nor describe it. It's a sickening feeling that I can never get rid of. It's the obvious state that nothing is ever going to end up being easy. I constantly put myself down and I never feel anything anymore. I'm too attached to some one to move past and get out of his games. I'm too stubborn to find the right path to go down. I never learn my lesson every time. I've learned to accept that some people never change; I know I deserve the absolute world, I deserve to be loved genuinely the way I love. One day I'll get what I want, but until that day comes...I'll be searching for the answer on why I'm so sad all the time.  

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

I'm a firm believer in love concurs all. Love is something that comes in when you least expect it, it swoops you off your feet and leaves you begging for more. It's a craving, it's a joy, and it can also be a sorrow. Loving some one may not always mean they love you in return. Loving some one also means caring for them even when they're at their worst points, or caught up in such crappy situations that they shut you out. Knowing you love some one is one of the truest things a person can ever feel. Age doesn't matter with love; you may be sixteen and in love or fifty and in love. You may be in love with some one who has a few years on you which creates strain and stress especially when you're only sixteen but when it's love, it shouldn't matter. Love is something that should leave you carefree and open. It should leave you smiling day in and day out. It's something that consumes your everything from the inside out. You may think you love some one then realize your best guy friend is actually the one you truly love. Love may leave you broken but it's the fact you've experienced the feeling that the hurting shouldn't be looked down upon; because you lived a life with love involved. True love can happen more than once in a life time. Love is all around the world and surrounds us on a daily basis. Love grows in time, for me it grew over a period of two years.

I offered you the world, you've offered me neglect

If some one who cares about you more than anyone you know offers you the world and gives you everything they mentally and physically could over some one who only tears you down, would you take it or pass it up? You'd take it. 

So I offered you the world, and you didn't take it. I gave you everything and anything you wanted. I gave you my heart, I gave you my care, I gave you my compassion, I gave you my smile, I gave you my love. What'd you give me? Heartbreak. I can tell you I would never sneak around behind your back and be secretly dating my ex again; I'd have the decency to tell you rather than having them text you being rude. I've been here for you since day one, encouraged you to straighten your life up, I've listened to you vent, I've risked hanging out with you, I've done everything I possibly could to prove to you I care. I compliment you all the time and tell you what you're doing right. When have you ever done anything for me? Maybe you've listened to me complain and made me happy at some point but only to tear me apart. She infected you and turned you into an inconsiderate asshole. You don't know how to own up to your problems and mistakes. You avoid everything wrong and never fix them. You don't know how to speak up and tell people how you feel or don't feel. Sure, you're getting your shit together now but keeping her is only going to screw up the accomplishments you tackled and you're going to go back to the beginning. 

"I feel like our worlds been infected and some how you left me neglected. We found our lives been changed. Babe, you lost me."  

It's time to speak up and be heard; loud and clear

You know, typically I never have anything negative to say about you because you've been part of my life for a couple of years now but you know what...I'm done. I'm done with your bullshit. I'm done with you playing head games with me. I'm not gunna let you play me like I'm some xbox. I'm not ever touching you anymore as passionately as I used to nor as caring as I used to. You literally make me sick. The thought of you makes me cringe and I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally stand up for something and speak up. It's starting on here and ending in your face. I'm through it, I'm fed up. You've hurt me more than you could imagine, unintentionally I assume but you did it. You win, you caused me to crack. You're a flakey, inconsiderate, jerk and I'm not taking it anymore. I'm an independent, goal-oriented girl and you're just a complete failure. You gave up instead of pushed through and that's just pathetic. You're a great friend and I love you as a friend but when it comes to being loving and genuine..you completely suck and I hate you. Have fun fucking your psycho ex-girlfriend because I've moved on clearly as you have too. Later hater, catch you on the flip side.

I'm in a blogging mood tonight

I felt like I needed to actually write a positive blog. One about the three most important people to me (aside from family).
Friends are important as a teenager, am I right? I've got three tremendous friends that I would do anything in the world for. Three that mean absolutely everything to me. Three that I love with all my heart til the very end. They're all three completely different people.
There's more than just these three that are important to me but these three have put a real and true impact on me and have helped me through so much especially right now - when I've needed help the most.

The first one is a gorgeous Southern oriented blondie. She's the truest person to me. I've known this girl since I was in 7th grade. She's the light at the end of my tunnel. No girl has a heart like hers. She's been here for me since day one. Nothing could ever get in the way of us. I worry about her more than I worry about myself. I watch out for her best interest more than my own. She's my sunshine, my everything. Her name is Anna Davidson and I love her.

The second one is a cute curly-haired genius. She's the most fun person to be around. She's smarter than she looks, even genius. I can't even begin to describe how much this girl means to me. She is a real friend - she'd do anything for me. She's the one person that makes me smile above the rest. She knows how to make me happy even when I'm sad. She's got my back when I'm a damnsel in destress. (no idea how to spell that so uhhh soung it out) This girl is the one person who truly gets me and understands me and why I am the way I am. She's the one person that truly makes me feel good about myself. She's everything anyone would need and she's got a hell of a personality. I really can't even put words here for how much this girl means to me. Her name is Emma Williamson and I love her.

The third girl is a misunderstood skinny bombshell. She's had her fair share of problems in life which is why I can relate to her so well. So many people think so bad of her because of what they hear but no one actually gives her the chance to prove herself. I've known her for two years but just started to hangout with her this summer. I've basically wasted away my summer with her and I've enjoyed every minute of it. She makes me realize that not everything is perfect and she's shown me that I have some one there whenever I need them. Her name is Collin Brown and I love her.

Family Tree - wait no, family history.

Isn't family is supposed to be the realest thing to you? They're all supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what. My family isn't exactly like that. My mom and her side of the family has always been very welcoming and open armed because they know how to be a family. But my dad and his side? Only half of them are faithful to treating me like family.
I feel as if I dread on my family problems too much. I feel like I'm a negative Nancy and well because it's true..I am.

Has anyone read the blog about my dad? Does anyone know the background about my dad? It's a sad situation, I know. Sympathy is all I ever get about it. Maybe I want more..maybe I actually want my dad.
I was sitting at lunch at Applebees with my Nannie yesterday and she brought up an interesting topic. My dad. She informed me that my mom told her this -  my dad only ever ate one meal a day. She followed that statement by pointing out I'm the same way. I'll munch throughout the day but only eat one actual meal a day. I kinda actually smiled, knowing I obtain some of his small traits like that. It makes me feel like I have part of him since I'm similar to him in some ways.
We also had a conversation about his mother, my grandmother - Lorraine, and that was a difficult conversation to have. You see, Lorraine isn't Grandma or Grammy or Mimi or Mawmaw or Granny...she's just Lorraine. She's never really been a big part of my life. She neglected me just like my father. I guess that's where he got the idea. When I was an infant, she always watched over me and spent time with me then decided she didn't want to. I guess since my dad was having an affair with my mom behind his wife's back, Lorraine didn't approve. My great-grandmother, Olga Prokapuk, had met me when I was a baby; the strange thing was - she never knew I was her grand-daughter. Lorraine wouldn't allow her to know because she felt like it was a disappointment my dad wasn't married to my mom and that's why Olga didn't know I was her blood. That's the first thing she did to mess up.
As you can see already, Lorraine is not a nice woman. Even though I'm her blood - her grand-daughter, she treats me like a stranger. I was with my Nannie when I was about 9 and we were at a tanning bed salon. We happened to be near Lorraine's house and she happened to attend that salon. I was sitting out in the waiting room - waiting for Nannie to finish, and Lorraine ironically was there...tanning. She came out the room and stared at me for a few seconds and realized who I was and just left the salon as if I was a stranger. It's not like she didn't know what I looked like. My babysitter was her direct next door neighbor. I was next door to Lorraine every single day for years and she didn't speak to me once. That's the second thing she's done to mess up.
February of my 8th grade year, my uncle Roscoe (my aunt from my dad's sides husband) died from an enlarged heart. He was a very loving, well-known man. We went to his burial ceremony and can you guess who was there? You got it...Lorraine. She was prancing around like a little hot shot with her other daughter, my other aunt, Lorri. Lorri never really accepted me either. I attended this ceremony with my mom and we were standing around waiting for everybody to get to the ceremony. Lorraine and Lorri were standing right in front of us. They turned around and took one look at me and started laughing. I felt heartbroken and torn my own family and blood couldn't speak to me. That's the third thing Lorraine has done to mess up.

I thought blood and family meant you always stick together. For a while this whole Lorraine, Lorri, and my dad situation shook me up. It still breaks my heart but then in March, I met my dad's real dad - my Papa. My dad was adopted by one of Lorraine's husbands so I never knew I even had a long lost grandpa that lived in Michigan. I also met his wife - my Mimi. And I met their kids: Christine, Greg, and Brian. (which are my aunts and uncles.) Along with them, I met their wives/husbands - and all their children (my cousins.) They lightened up my upset side because they showed me I still have them to count on.

Why am I telling you all this? Maybe because I need to vent about it. Maybe I need to let it all out and tell you a little history about my family. Maybe this will show you why I'm always deep down sad and emotionally messed up.

No such thing as perfection? Good things come to those who wait? Hmm...

We all ask for things, things that are impossible to obtain. We reach for our deepest dreams and wishes. We ask for a perfect this, a perfect that. Perfect? Is there such thing as that? No. There isn't a thing even close to perfect. No perfect line, no perfect shape, no perfect day, no perfect life, no perfect person.

Now, we're all trained to think bad things happen and good things come to those who wait. Is that belief even a real thing? I've been waiting for a good thing to occur for some time now and it has yet to come. I question though, when it comes, what will it be? Will it be my prince charming? Will it be money? Will it be even a faint step to happiness? Who knows!

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?

I've recently found myself in a situation where there's no solution. I've been sent to my grandmother's (Nannie), by choice, to get away. Here; I have no life. My mom took my cell phone, facebook, and all social life away. I can't talk to anyone other than my Nannie. It hasn't even been 24 hours since my mom took my phone/facebook and I'm already bored as can be without. I never knew how much I rely on drama to keep me from being bored to tears. But, in this less than 24 hours I've already learned not to rely on my phone or facebook for entertainment.

This whole situation I'm in has torn me to pieces though. My mom and I literally lost our relationship and we were suggested family counseling would help. My Mimi is so sick and I'm worried to death about her. I tried texting my dad but of course he didn't respond. The boy I'm absolutely crazy about won't talk to me like he used to for no reason; he just decided to drop me. I don't get to see my family in Michigan this summer like I planned to. My sister shut me out randomly and hasn't responded to me. I got into so much trouble Tuesday night that I lost my social life. I was dealing with a scare for about a week which is all fine now but the thoughts that were going through my head were unbearable.

I feel completely alone in this big world, I feel attacked like some one is out to get me. I'm slowly shutting down to everyone and everything. I feel like I can't rely on the people I used to. I feel like everytime I have a problem and run to someone, I sound like a broken record that no one wants to listen to. I feel like part of me is missing. Not to mention all my personal flaws I realized last night during a deep talk with my Nannie. I realized I have so many problems I need to work out.

I had a question brought up to me last night by my Nannie; "Maybe you should try therapy." Therapy? Isn't that where crazy people go? I thought to myself "Nannie is insane for ever suggesting that." Then, ten minutes later I thought to myself "maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe some one will actually listen to me and help me." Therapy? The place where crazy people go... just might be what I need. The more I think about how sucky things are right now the more personal problems I find myself running into. The thoughts I come across when I send myself down a depression spiral are just psycho thoughts. I think things like "would life for people be easier without me?" The more I think about it, the more I think personal therapy may not be so bad after all.

Whatever the solution is, needs to be found soon. I find myself breaking and breaking and breaking...how many times can I break 'til I shatter?

I swear to you, I do care

Caring? What is it? I can tell you. It’s the act of someone meaning something to you and chasing after them to be there to catch them when they fall. To help someone stand back up when they fall is caring. To care about someone is when you would go to the end of the Earth for them even when they would never do that for you. Caring about someone may include having feelings for someone no matter what they think about you. Also, caring may mean to always think about someone periodically throughout the day even when they never think about you. You know how I figured out I care about you? Because all of these definitions I’ve stated about caring fit how I think about you. All I want to do is to be there with open arms for you and take you in when you need someone and you would never think twice about doing that for me. All I want to do is love you, and care for you, and make you happy but you’re too preoccupied with your ex. She manipulates you and makes you unhappy. It hurts me, it tears me down, and it breaks my heart that you don’t realize what’s right here in front of you. Just three weeks ago you hated her and you told me you had feelings for me…what happened? What changed? I’m still the same person and so is she. I’m better in every way you could think of. I’m even too good for you, yet all I want is you. I want you to want me too. I want you to care about me. I want you to think about me all day every day. I want you to text me randomly because you were thinking about me. I want you to call me at night just because you wanted to hear my voice. I want you to love me. I crave for you, I crave your touch, I crave your kisses, I crave your smile, I crave your eyes, I crave your laugh, I crave your freckles, I crave your love and I crave your walk…your talk…your everything. No one makes me laugh the way you do, or smile, or even keep me happy. Lately, you haven’t treated me well because you’re embarrassed about something stupid and it makes you look shady. The fact you want her and not me is grimy and unattractive. Even your friends hate her and they said straight to your face they hate her and love me. We were perfect, everything was bliss and then you listened to what people were saying. You let people get under your skin about me. You’re a flaky person by the way you act towards me now.  And the day you realize no one will ever care about you like I do, you’ll feel stupid. You’ll feel like a fool. The sad part is…I’ll probably still be here, waiting for you, to care about me too.

Your Eyes

We have a history...we've been on and off for two years. I promised myself I would put a door up between you and my feelings; to never go back to how I felt for you two years ago. 

I'm not in love with you but you certainly know how to make my heart race; from your smile, to your freckles, up to your big brown eyes. I can stare in your eyes and realize I'm absolutely crazy for you.Your kisses make me melt completely. You can make me laugh, smile, and be happy. Your touch makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I'm flying. Cuddling with you makes me feel safe, like you're a safe place for me to be. I can talk to you about anything and everything. We know each others' life stories. An hour with you can make my day the greatest. I unlocked that door and opened it right up to you. You play a little game with me because you know I'm attached and you know you have control but I've still began to fall for you again and my mind is in a daze. You're too old for me though, and your friends give you a hard time about my age. Nothing makes me more upset than knowing we could never be together, simply because of the age difference. I knew we'd never be able to get into a relationship from the start but I didn't let it get to me and now I'm realizing that was a mistake. I've fallen for you, I've caught crazy feelings for you, and I will always care about you. I even love you; obviously not the true "in love" stage but I do love you. I won't allow myself to get caught up in real love. Even though you're constant head games upset me...I won't let it hurt me...I won't allow myself to get hurt by anything or anyone ever again. I just hope I never lose you because you mean the absolute world to me and always will. 

I hate how..

I hate how it ended.

I hate how I miss you.

I hate how I love you.

I hate how things are now.

I hate how we don't hangout.

I hate how I dwell on this.

I hate how I still go to your Facebook and creep you like nothing happened.

I hate how we didn't fight for each other.

I hate how we don't look at each other the same. 

I hate how we will never be the same.

I hate how I think about our jokes.

I hate how I feel forgotten.

I hate how almost everything I do reminds me of you.

I hate how we gave up.

I hate how everyone says "it's better off that way" when it's not. It's not better this way and it never will be better this way. But whatever, I'm dealing with it.

I figured I had to blog about you someday..

there's too much I want to say but can't so I'll keep it short and simple. I remember being best friends like it was yesterday. I've known you for an eternity and over one little thing everything came crumbling apart. In fifth grade, our parents swore we'd get married one day. Your mother adored me, and mine adored you. You were considered family. You could call me while I was in the shower and my mom would answer; you could carry on a conversation with her forever until I got out the shower. We grew closer and closer everyday.Then over something absolutely ridiculous, that friend ship basically got flushed down the toilet. I know we will probably never be friends again but I miss you so much and I wish things would go back to the way they were. We were so close and it's just stupid that we couldn't hold on to such a great friend ship. We were like family. We were each others worlds. 

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you 

Who Am I Hates Who I've Been

Can some one tell me right from wrong? Cuz honestly I don't know. Everyone close to me has disappeared. Everyone I cared about is now gone. What did I do wrong? Oh right...everything

This song makes me feel a little better...hopefully I'll move on, from this sadness

My Turn

Neither of us are perfect. Neither of us were/are innocent. We've both said stuff and did stuff we shouldn't have. We let an extraordinary friendship fall apart for what? To deal with loosing each other? To deal with the petrifying question "why aren't you and her friends anymore?" What good did that do for us? It may have done good for you and you may plan on not dwelling on the situation but I'm going to dwell on it every day until I move on. You may word it as "learning about heart break and betrayal" but I  look at it as bull shit. Unfair and unexplainable bull shit. We get told daily that we shouldn't be friends and we promised each other and ourselves we'd prove them wrong. What did we do? We proved them right. That makes me feel so weak that we couldn't hold on. We couldn't work things out. All we did was give the silent treatment. All we did was give up rather than talk it out. All we did was find flaws in each other.  We may have fought our asses off with each other, we may have annoyed the crap out of each other, we may have disagreed on every little thing, we may have acted like bitches to each other, and we may have gotten sick of each other but our friend ship was real, it all happened, we were like sisters, and we were each other's everything. Now I have the feeling things won't go back because the both of us are way too stubborn and you've got a new best friend but regardless of any negative thing I've ever said directed towards you...I'll always care. I may look at you like you're crazy every day when I see you, I may feel awkward tension between us 24/7, I may be keeping a secret from you about something that I promised I wouldn't tell you even though the person I promised has the biggest damn mouth and tells people things when they promised they wouldn't, I may have called you selfish (in all honesty I don't even remember saying it) but I would NEVER text you and call you a "selfish slut," and I would NEVER walk up to you and "brag about hanging out with Emma." Just in case you thought that I would do that, I wouldn't. I can honestly say I will never hate you. I may get angry with you and say something to some one I don't mean and regret, I may be the biggest bitch in the world about the whole situation, I may be a bad friend for not telling you something you should know about something/some one, I may act like I'm in middle school about us not being friends, I may break down constantly and act unneffected, but I'm effected in more ways then believable and even if you find it "not a bad thing," I find it horrible and feel weaker than ever.

People are poeple, and sometimes we change our minds??

Friends come and go through high school. You never get along with anyone longer than a year and a half. Best friends constantly replace you every school year. Your teachers make you more angry than the best friends replacing you. You enter high school with one or two REAL friends and leave high school with one or two different REAL friends; or none because no one's ever truly there through it all. All in all, high school basically sucks and there's nothing you can do about. Your dad is not present in your life. Your best friend is no longer your best friend over what? Your disappearing best friend's ex hits on you, jokingly I hope. You start talking to some one new then get wrapped back up in your ex then have another guy kiss you three times in the hallway when no one's around. You can't tell secrets to anyone because they always get around. Your whole school is herpes infested. Your grades are awful. You have never met your sister. Even outside of high school, things are always messed up. Nothing ever goes right these days anymore. I don't feel like anyone deserves the problems they go through, and I don't believe I do either. 

I've learned through out all the troubles I deal with on a daily basis: nothing is perfect, every one makes mistakes, true friends end up not being so true, and where I live is absolutely unsatisfying. I can complain all I want but none of this is going to change. I'm never going to have a relationship with my dad, my grades are never going to improve, my friends are never going to stay my friends, I'm always going to get replaced, disappearing best friends' ex's are always going to hit on me when I would never even go there, boys are always going to be a problem, I'm  never going to like my high school, herpes is going to continue spreading therefore I will still never touch a boy at mhs, and no one will ever stay true.

I'm just a lonely girl whom could care less what anyone thinks about me. I will never get my way with anything and I've learned just to be ok with that. 

Take Time to Realize

When I look back at all my past relationships, I've realized the never work. Thinking about this more in depth I realize it's solely because I don't have a dad to show me how it is to have a male figure in your life that loves you unconditionally. I think that's why I'm always searching for a boy. I think that's why I get scared and run away, because I don't want anyone to leave me hanging again. I think that's why my relationships last only a few weeks or months (minus Joe of course.) I just want to be a girl who's loved by her dad...I  want to know how to trust, to care, and to love.

Number One

The one thing I want more than anything is a number one who also calls me there number one. I want a number one who I hangout with every single weekend. I want a number one who I text every day with the latest drama or something. I want a number one I can call when some big drama goes down. I want a number one who I can count on to always be there. I want a number one who will stick up for me always. I want a number one who would never replace me. I want a number one who will always love me and never act differently towards me no matter what happens. I had a number one, then it started to disappear and it's practically gone now. All I want...is a best friend to never leave me like all my best friend's do. I don't want to be ignored. (by the way guys, this is not referred to anyone so I hope no one takes this the wrong way) I just want to be loved, for me, for who I am..always and forever.

Obsession........

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Everything happens for a reason.


Isn't that what we're always told? Are we trained to believe that? Do you believe it? Do I? Are things supposed to fall apart? Are you supposed to get upset? Are you supposed to get hurt? Am I asking too many questions? Am I supposed to have one horrible parent? Am I supposed to be replaced? Is this too sad for you? Is it ok to act happy when I'm secretly broken hearted? Is it ok just to wanna be loved?


I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I want a best friend. I want my dad. I want to be the girl who has 37 likes on a picture. I want to be the girl that makes perfect grades. I want to be the one that has the cutest clothes in school. I want to be rich. Is it ok to want everything? Is it ok to want things that are impossible? Is it ok to want to reach something I can't?


It's like this; I have dreams. I have hopes, high hopes. I want things I'll never get.


I want too much, but all I truly want...is to be loved. To be loved by those who don't love me and never will.


I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. I ramble on forever. But my biggest flaw...I want things I can't have


I say things over and over again, I repeat myself in multiple ways. I'm too nice but sometimes I'm too mean.


I'm just continuing to go on about nothing..rambling about the random thoughts that go through my heart and head. What if I say something wrong? What if something I say offends you? Or you? Or you? What if I say something that blows up in my face? More flaws I find in myself.


Well why I continue to question things all day, everyday...I'll find the answers somehow...maybe...

My Escape!

Being at the river today has showed me an escape is possible. Jumping from rock to rock and almost falling in risking the chance of the rapid flow pulling you somewhere scary makes me feel like a little kid again. I've never felt more loved around the people I was with today. Tori, Catherine, Jordan, and even Alex just make me smile. Meeting Kristina for the first time ever was enjoyable too. Along with Jenna..even though I've heard negative things about her she's still precious. Anyways, back to what I was saying; the river is freedom and freedom is the river. 

Remember those bullitens we used to do on myspace ...oh yeah ;)

Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed?

I don't think so

What were you doing at 10:30 last night?

nadaaaa

Are you listening to music right now?

yessir, A little bit stronger by Sara Evans

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm, duh!

What were you doing at 7am this morning?

sn00000zin

Were you happy when you woke up today?

I was nonchalant

 

What mood are you in right now?

an ok one

Is your room ever clean?

almost always

Has anyone got on your nerves today?

nopeeee

What were you doing before filling out this survey?

creepin on facebook, as always

What was the first thing you thought this morning?

I have to pee...

What are you excited for?

SUMMA

What piercings do you have?

first, second, third, and fourth hole, double cartilage, middle cartilage, tragus, and belly button

Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?

there used to be

Who's thinking about you right now?

probably no one :p

Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them?

yeah but not that kind of love, atleast not anymore

Do you like to cuddle?

I dooo

Will your next kiss be a mistake?

well, that depends on who it is..but probably hahaha

Do you think two people can last forever?

yep, I do

How many texts are in your inbox?

a lot...my phone doesn't count haha

Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?

Kaitlyn Warnerr <3

How late did you stay up last night?

12:15?

Why did you stay up that late?

It's normal

When was the last time you cried, really hard?

Hmm Monday?

When is the next time you'll hug someone?

today!

Are you afraid of roller coasters?

not at all, love 'em

How is life going for you right now?

it's finee

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

always, it's the only way I do things!

What's a concern of yours right now?

I'm always concerned haha

Are you keeping a secret right now?

yes I am

Do you miss the way things used to be?

I certainly do

What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?

aww we'd have precious  babies <3

Do you think you can last for an hour without talking?

nope haha

Do you like getting hugs from other people?

sure I do

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?

not in a sentimental way but yaaaa

How many times is A in your full name?

uno

Are your toenails painted?

hot pink!

Are you taller than 5 foot 4?

no, I'm 5'3

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?

when it's straightened

Do you know anyone else with your name?

I do

Are you in a relationship?

..no

Do you think your ex will ever want to be with you again?

he does want to be with me

Who is the last person you kissed?

..... no

Do you think you will ever get married?

of course!

Have you ever been in love?

mhm

Have you ever had two dates in one night?

no?

Do you have any pets?

my pupppy<3<3

Two feelings at the moment?

dead and dead

Say your ex runs up to you and hugs you?

I'd hug back I guess

Anything you'd like to say to someone?

haha no I'll keep it to myself

Are you taller than your dad?

nope

Do you sleep on your stomach?

Yeah that's the only way I sleep comfortably

Are you happy with your life at the moment?

I guess so

What is something you disliked about today?

well it's only noon and I haven't done anything

Do you wish someone would call you?

no not really

Who was the last person you thought of?

your mom

The last person you kissed needs you at 3 AM, would you go?

I mean sure why not

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?

maybe idk

What are you thinking about right now?

everything

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

not particularly

Looking forward to anything?

today

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?

don't they always?

When you throw up do you cry?

not always

What have you eaten today?

peanut butter granola bar hahaha

Do you find it cute when boys/girls call you cute names?

I guess

Anything bothering you right now?

of course

What is something that confuses you?

saoskopisgodf

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?

cheering competition

Who was the last person you hugged?

Kody? woah that's weird ...

When's the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?

oh gosh I dunno

Have you ever quoted a line from a movie?

always!

What are you drinking right now?

nothingg

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?

nope

Is it warm outside?

I haven't been outside haha

Status of you and the last person to send you a text?

she'd be my big seeeesster<3

Is your sister a slut?

I dunno, I've never met her. She has a boyfriend though so I doubt itt

Everyone deserves a second chance right?

as many chances as you're willing to give

Has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?

haha yeah?

Who was last to cook for you?

subway

Are you a morning person or a night person?

night, hollla

When is the last time you wore a sports jersey?

I have absolutely no idea, probably freshmen year

Has anyone ever sang to you?

hahahahahahaha oh god

Do you like someone?

nope

Ever made out in a car?

haha yep

Has anyone ever told you that you were beautiful?

mhm

Did the last person you kissed have a tattoo?

uh

Would you ever color your hair brown?

it is brown

Do you think it is disgusting for girls to drink alcohol and get drunk?

not really, do what ya wanna do

Would you rather hang with a bunch of girls or boys?

boys

How did you wake up this morning?

there's a certain way to wake up..?

Do you regret doing something today?

no

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?

of course

Are you afraid of the dark?

YES

Who do you have texts from in your phone?

catherine, alex, twitter, joe, robert, kaitlyn warner, kaitlyn simmons, kathryn, trevy, connor, ryan, nick miles, hunter, parkerr, wes, tori mcclellan, tori hessler, timmothey, harry, jesscuh, mom, emma, nick nivar, nick gorski, ross, sean, my aunt, collin, ok..if I went through my whole inbox you'd have everyone from last month too..I'm stopping here at Tuesday

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

like 11

What color is the carpet in the room you're in?

tan ish