I get so lost sometimes, lost in thought. All I do is sit and think about what it is and what it could be. I never know right from wrong anymore.
Sometimes I think about Harry. I think about how much I love him and how much I wish things weren't so screwed up with us. I think about how things would be if he loved me back. I ponder upon the idea that will happen one day. Then I realize I really don't care because I have my new interest which leads to Cory. I've known him since summer and we haven't really hung out much but he brings the genuine smile out me. Staring into his big teal blue eyes and the side view of his dimples pulls me in and gives me a shock of excitement...that maybe we'll turn into something and I'll be happy again like I was with Harry and Joe at one point. I always have fun when I'm around him. We get along so well, we have a lot in common. Not to mention, I cried on him. I don't cry nor infront of people because I feel weak and broken down. Sometimes Trey even comes across my mind. I've never felt so comfortable around some one before, i can just be my true, goofy self around him but I haven't been much of an interest to him. He just throws me aside because he's got some one else in the picture. It doesn't really bother me because I want him happy..he's a great friend too. He was one of the few here for me when Gage died and it meant the world to me. Brought me closer to him I guess.
I feel like all I think about anymore is boys but that's not everything that comes across my mind. I can't help but think about my dad on a regular basis. Curiosity supposedly killed the cat so if I dug a little deeper and became curious about him, it wouldn't kill me would it? I can't talk about him anymore though..he brings this huge rush of anger in me where I just want to throw something. I wonder how he can just throw his own daughter away like garbage. It's so pathetic, grow some balls asshole.
Today during behind the wheel, we were driving on the highway and my instructor asked "Sydney, did you see the road name under us, we just passed it..?" of course I wasn't paying attention so I asked him about it. He stated "it was Qualla road...I'm surprised you aren't thinking about anything." my heart absolutely dropped to my stomach. For those of you who don't know, a good friend of mine died in a car accident on that road two weeks ago from today. In that moment that it was brought up to me, I sank low into the seat silently and stared out the window. I was speechless. I haven't blogged about his death because it was too difficult but I don't understand why bad things happen to such good people. I'll always miss Gage, he will always be on my mind. I'll never forget about him. He's so special and certainly earned a place in my heart forever.
I'll just be laying here tonight, pondering some more upon everything.
