This is pointless.

I run away from my problems whether than face the truth. When I'm scared of getting in trouble, I lie. Giving up is not in my vocabulary. I'm only 5'3. I have more than one best friend; Emma, Collin, and Shannon. Losing some one is my biggest weaknesses. I please people and make them happy before myself. I think cheering is dumb but I love it more than anything. Trashy girls make me angry. I'm the biggest hypocrite. I wish my best friend didn't move to Fredericksburg. The past year has left me in an absolute mess. I can honestly say I am unhappy. I believe in fairy tales. I think Harry is an asshole but I still care about him. It doesn't take much at all to get me down let alone fall apart. When people say negative things about my insecurities, I turn into a wreck. Snoring makes me cringe. I burp more than the average male. My mom is my biggest hero and my number one. The beach is my happy place. I wish I was flawless when the truth is, I have more flaws than anything else and I'm ok with that. I love pizza but Chinese food is my favorite. I have Judaism in my blood line. I'm boy crazy. I want my dad in my life but that's the one thing I will never have. I work way too much. I never get a break from anything. I want to be happy. My nails are almost always painted. I'm so lazy I can hardly ever get up to even shut my door. I hate everyone but I'm nice. I can be a blunt bitch. I'm two-faced at times and have said at least one bad thing about every one. I wish I was different. I like my body but I'm constantly finding things I don't like about it. I always think about the past. I dwell on everything. I think I'm going to fail in life. My dad is a prick, I wish he loved me. I lose friends regularly. I'm terrified of falling in love but I obsess over it. I get sick a lot. I live on twitter. I believe in things happen for a reason. I like Cory, a lot. He slept over last night. I stare at my ceiling at night and think about everything. I easily get hurt and I'm sensative. I put up a front on who I am. I think I'm a good friend, if I really care about you because I would do anything for anyone. I rant a lot. I'm done. Bye. 

Because of You

Hard times happen, we all deal with it in a different way. I'm always being damaged by my dad. He will never change.

Save your heart

"She struggles to find herself in time, but she can barely move. Just try to get up, you've got to slowly brush off - I know that words aren't enough but you're better than this. Save your heart..."

Is it ok to feel again? To move away from my numb, cold, dark inner demons..

Fear is the heart of love

Everthing always ends in "what if?"

It all started on a balmy hot Friday night, June 11th 2010 to be exact. You rolled up to Tori's with Matt and I just saw you as this cute guy who I wanted to know. I was surprisingly more shy than I had imagined to getting to know you but by the end of the night we were flirting and hanging out. Later that night I recall texting Matt about you and then we were chatting a little to the point where you gave me your  number. I remember it as it were yesterday even though it was a year and a half ago. We talked every day all day after that night. We hung out a little before we quickly jumped into a relationship. 11:11pm on June 25, 2011 it officially turned into us. You then left to a place that ruined it all for a month over the summer. I remember you calling me every night to talk to me, little did I know you had been cheating on me. I was gone for cheering camp when you came home and the day I got back we all went to Busch Gardens; me, you, your sister, your mom, your brother, and his girlfriend. We were all having a blast, while I was still clueless that you had been cheating on me. It wasn't long after that when I found out of your thoughtless actions that led me down a heart broken road. I found out about the first girl; the minute I found out I collapsed to the ground, breathless, wondering why you could do this to me after you said you loved me. I was told about another girl, whom you swore to me you didn't cheat on me with but then the day before Thanksgiving I found out it was all a lie. Everything, you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I still stuck with you, stayed in a relationship with you and after a while had seemed to forget the hell you put me through. Right before school started I ended it but we were still together. I took you back again and in March, I finally realized I couldn't handle looking at you every day thinking it was still the same, thinking you really did love me. How could you love me after you cheated on me? It wasn't possible. You swore to me you did though and I believed you. We spent every day together almost. I attended your hockey games, came over for dinner rather often, cooked with your mom and dad and sister, went away for the weekend with you, went to lunch with you after school, got to know all of your friends as well as you got to know mine, and I loved you. We still stayed together after this harsh realization it was all a lie but then I just couldn't handle it and in May, it was finally all over. For good. You kept chasing after me, and I wasn't having it. I ran away from all my problems and they kept coming after me again. I pushed and pushed away from you harder and harder each time and you finally stopped. Then everything in my life kept getting worse and worse and it was all crumbling around me. I didn't know who else to turn to, I didn't know where to go. It was like I was trapped in a maze you didn't realize you were the light at the end of the tunnel. I just gave up, and ran to you as my safe place again. Now, we've got our friendship back and that's more than we've been able to say since June. It's started to hit me that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to open up to you again so that's what I've been doing. And now I keep pondering upon the idea: what if it worked out between us? We were the strong couple, we got through it all. We made it through the roughest problems. We taught each other what love was..what trust was..what honesty was. Maybe it didn't start out like that after all we went through but a world of WHAT IFS is running through my head. I do love you, with all my heart. Maybe not the love I thought it was but I still love you. You are my best friend. Even though you like this girl I work with and I like some guy I work with, I still wonder...wonder about crazy things. I wonder more and more everyday.

One and only

This woman right here, to the left in the picture with me, means more to me than anything. She means more to me than my friends, my phone, food, and life itself. I love her more than I could ever show or tell and I wish I could show her that. I mess up a lot and find myself in situations which disappoint her. It breaks my heart to break her heart and find her angry with me. Starting today until forever, I will prove to her that I mean that. I will prove to her I love her and care about her. She is so strong and deals with a lot, yet she stands strong and doesn't let anything get her down. She's the one that helps me find my inner strength, she helps me succeed, and she's gotten me to where I am today. My mom is my hero, she's my world. Everything about her is what I want to be. I look up to her and haven't shown her that. I need to grow up and mature and be the young lady she wants me to be. One thing I love about my mom is if something is wrong and I don't know what to do, I can run to her and she will give me the best advice she can. She's wise, she's smart, and she's beautiful from the inside out. I will show her I love her and mean all of this. I will show her I'm better than how I've been acting. I will do what she asks and fix myself..all for her. She deals with my dad and his crap on a daily basis, her mother has cancer and won't be around for long, her dad died on Valentine's day and her relationship with him was the same mess I go through yet she never falls and she never fails to be an amazing person. In simple words, I love my mom.

A promise.

Here lately I've been messing up terribly. I've disappointed my mom and that kills me that I did something to hurt her. She's my number one and my only one. This is my promise that I will better myself and become the person I'm supposed to be. I'm going to grow up and prove I'm not a terrible person like everyone thinks. I've let people down and done wrong and it's not ok with me in the least bit.

I'm going to work on my grades

I'm going to stop drinking and doing the typical bad teenager stuff

I will not lie

I will not cheat

I will not say mean things nor do mean things

And most importantly I will prove to my mom I care about her, love her, and respect her

I'm going through a rough time which has caused me to act out I guess. I may not be happy and there may be a lot wrong with me but I will fix that, starting today. I'm starting fresh. From here on out I will be a different person and shine the light on more positive things. I promise.

Please forgive me I have sinned

This is the last person I expected to blog about but I miss this person more than I ever imagined.

We dated for a year and it was all a crazy roller coaster with us. We both hurt each other in ways we never imagined but look at us now..we're having a life talk. I never thought the day would come for us to drop our past, mature, and get over it all. To this day you mean so much to me, you were such a big part of my life for so long and it's a relief you're back in it. Especially now, the conversation we're having is rather deep and at this moment, I don't know what I would do without you.

We've had our ups and a hell of a lot of downs but it taught us how to love, how to trust, and how to open up to other people. You're so amazing and you know my heart better than I do. and I never truly said goodbye to what we were in a respectful way, and I'm sorry for that. We did some messed up things to each other but we're learning. This is just a small little blog about the things I want to say but I'm glad to have you back as a best friend type of person jke<3

The crazy things

It's interesting and moving to think about how much I've gone through in general, particularly the last year. From losing friends, to getting arrested, to not getting along with my mom so dramatically where I wasn't even living with her, to getting my heart smashed by some one that meant the world to me, to my mom getting into a rough car accident and hospitalized, down to Gage's death; plus much more. It's all affected me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I had never felt so weak and defeated. In all honesty, I felt incredibly broken. Until tonight, I realized the amount of strength I've consumed. I've grown up so much more than half the people I know. I've matured in a number of perspectives. This has all been a windy road and one rough journey after another. I wouldn't be where I'm at without my friends but most of this has been inner demons and fears being conquered. Empowerment would be the perfect word to describe this feeling. I'm ambitious and I will go far if i keep this content state up. Everything has changed, maybe it wasn't for the better; but change isn't what to fear. Fear itself is what I should be afraid of. If I overcome fear..nothing will ever stop me.