Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes.

I look in the mirror and think so myself: "who am I?" I've been wondering that for the last year. Everything about myself makes me unhappy. Every last detail, I wonder why I'm the way I am. Maybe it's from all the damage that's been mentally done to me. Maybe I'm at my last leg and I can't take anymore so I just shut down inside and think to myself about all the things I could change to make me better. I never act on it though, I stay the same person I've been unhappy with for so long. I question every action I take and ask "what could I have done different, done better?" I'm falling down, crumbling to pieces and for what? For nothing. I feel so alone day in and day out. Maybe it's because people hear, but don't listen. I can't recall the last time some one asked me if I was ok or asked "what's going on in that mind of yours?" People just don't care, they make me feel useless. I wonder why we're programed to be the shitty people we are and no answers have called down to me. Sometimes, I just feel senseless. Wait...no, I always have a sense, a sense I wish I couldn't feel. At least not as roughly. I don't know what I'm going to do to make myself feel any better, I don't know if I even want to try because it's always going to get shot down leaving me feeling alone and helpless...

Why? Why is all I can ask.

The way teenagers, and adults for that matter, treat each other these days sends so much hatred and heartbreak through my limbs and veins and heart. It upsets me to the core yet there's no escape. Thinking about the 6 young people that have died in the past year should show everyone we're not as invincible as we may think. We're the complete opposite.There's so much violence and mistreatment towards everyone. Such hostility rather than working something out is just ignorant. One day, one day...I hope we all learn from our mistakes rather than making them over and over and over again. It's not fair to others for acting the way we do.We must be the change we want to see...but why haven't we changed?

Gage Edwards (boog), Avery Spence (ave the rave), Maggie Moyler, Hunter Hatcher, Tre Walton (sleepy), and Tyler Davidson...I hope you angels are resting in paradise and watching over all of us. You're either workin hard or hardly workin ;) You are all so missed and so loved. 

These thoughts bring me to another point too. Gage's parents question maybe God is preparing us for some big event brewing. Or taking you good ones to prevent you from being jaded and lost into the madness of reality. I wonder if his parents are right. It all makes sense to me.

How do you know?

Sometimes I wonder what true love really is. How do people know when they're in love? Is it a feeling..or a look..or what? How long does it take to fall in love..is there a limit? Can you genuinely fall in love more than once?

I can honestly say my boyfriend is the most amazing guy I've ever known. He's so real and genuine, he's caring and compassionate. He makes me feel a happiness I didn't know existed in my deep, dark, mysterious world. If he makes me feel this that I've never felt before, am I in love with him? I know I love him, he's more than perfect for who I want to be with. Being in his presence just gives me intense butterflies and my whole body tingles. When he comes over and knocks on my door, just looking through my peep hole seeing he's here, tangible and I can grab him and reach him and never let go sends chills down my back. Looking deeply in his eyes and just not being able to control a grin from ear to ear dash out of my face, glowing brighter than the sun, makes me know I wouldn't ever have the desire to be with anyone else but him. Am I blinded by those pacific blue eyes...or is it love growing? How do you know...

Rest in Peace, angel

Gage Michael Edwards left his mark on us, like tattoos on this town. I love you forever and you're always in my heart. I miss you more and more everyday baby. It's crazy that it's already been four months since you've been gone. I keep hoping I'll wake up in the morning and this will all be a really long, cruel, nightmare, and you'll be there in the morning. Just promise me you'll fly high and watch over all of us and keep us safe. You're our guardian angel. 

I swear this time I mean it.

Nothing feels worse than making some one your everything and caring about them so much only to have them forget about you and act as if you only exist when it's convenient for them. This, would be some one whom makes me feel like that. He is my bestfriend. I feel like I invest all my time in catering to him and expressing to him how much he means to me. He doesn't care though. He pretends I'm only here when he's bored. I try my best to please him, help him, care for him, and make him realize I'm here for him but he only seems to push away more and more everyday. We went through a rough patch in December, but I didn't think that would ruin our friendship. I love this kid with all I have and I wish him loved me back. He says he does, but actions speak louder than words. Atleast that's what my mom has always told me. We look stupid in this picture but it was the first picture we ever took together. I miss showing up at his house, bawling my eyes out like when Gage died, and him being the only person who was there for me through it all. He would always tell me it's ok and he's there for me. And I believed it, I thought I was actually his bestfriend too. I was for a little, but then he grew apart from me. He's the one person who is never here for me. I text him all the time with a problem or call him and he just ignores it or tells me to suck it up. It's not that easy, sometimes I need you to care too. No one makes me smile as bright as Trey does. No one makes me laugh as hard as Trey does. No one makes me love as genuinely as Trey does. No one makes me as happy as Trey does, even though he hasn't been a great bestfriend to me lately...he still makes me happy. Just seeing him makes me jump for joy. I miss going to his house and jumping on his bed like a bunch of baboons being goofier than ever. I love him, with all my heart and I always will. He has made a huge impact on me and I can honestly say I'll never forget him. There's so much more I could say about him but thinking about it leaves me at a loss of words. 

 

"I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best"

In these bodies we will live, and these bodies we will die.

Nothing is sweeter than looking into your eyes

I love your smile. I love your dimples. I love your bright blue atlantic eyes. I love your smell. I love the way your hands feel. I love scratching your back. I love how you get embarrassed easier than anyone I know. I love how when you feel embarrassed, your face turns cherry red. I love your hugs, so tight and caring. I love your kisses, so gentle and content. I love the way you fidget when you're nervous. I love the way you look at me and just get this stupid smirk on your face. I love your friends. I love when you come over, tired after work for five minutes, just to kiss me goodnight. I love when I wake up to paragraph texts from you explaining how you feel because you're not one to open up and express what you're thinking. I love how you you play with my hair. I love when you sleepover and wake up in the middle of the night and wiggle which wakes me up then you kiss me and rub my back til I fall back asleep. I love when I look up at you and you glow. I love how you kiss me unexpectedly on my forehead and cheeks and lips and neck and tummy. I love how you spend every moment you can with me and still balance everything out in your life. I love the hairs on your stomach and the little faint hairs under your eyes. I love when you call me baby and princess. I love how you make me know you care about me. I love how you go out of your way to do what you can for me. I love how you're so book smart, but lack all common sense. I love how you involve yourself in sports; and when you're about to go to a game, you get more excited than an eight year old on Christmas morning. I love how you're so modest and don't boast about all the amazing traits you obtain. I love how you can tell when something's wrong and you don't stop til you know what's making me upset and fix it to your best ability. I love how you drive really fast because "you like to get where you're going." I love how your eyes squint really tight when you laugh. I love spending every waking moment I can with you and I wouldn't have it any other way at all. You're all mine, and I like it that way.

The sweet isn't as sweet without the bitter.

Tonight seems like another sleepless night where I sit up all night pondering upon pointless thoughts. Everything's just one up and down roller coaster ride after another. I'm in love with my bestfriend and crazy about my boyfriend. I miss gages big blue eyes more and more everyday. My sister still hasn't talked to me, it's been almost a month. I've done nothing wrong to her but she just shut me out and I miss her. I hate pretending to be nice to people I don't like. My brothers mom is a perfect example. She pulled some psycho things on my mom when she was pregnant with me and I'm not really pro-Sabrina for what she did. But I miss my brother and I want to see him so I'm forced to be nice to Sabrina. Brent is always on my mind though speaking of my brother. I wish he didn't live so far away. I wonder if my papas gunna be ok or my Mimi or my Nannie. They're all so sick from pulmonary fibrosis to lupus to severe cancer. I wonder when it'll end. I like to try to keep a smile on my face though, everyone has enough problems as it is they shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm a tough girl...I've gone through enough, I can handle myself right? I'm glad people I trust are the only ones that can read this. I'd be mortified if the public read my deepest thoughts and secrets. The thing I hate about high schoolers is they're always judging, never stoping once to think about what other people are going through. Even if it's something small and pointless, it's still not easy and may be hard. Judging some one doesn't define the judegee it defines the judger. If I could get along with everyone, I really would. I hate how there's the "popular cool" kids and the "weird kids" that no one talks to. They're typically the nicer ones and easygoing. I like them much better. Like this one girl in my chemistry class, she's quite different than the normal Midlothian high schooler and I talked to her for the first time today. She was so nice and complimentive. I respected it so much. I used to go about my daily routines being a sad girl whom dwelled on everything. Plus only talked to people that were "cool" but I'm getting a new outlook upon things. I guess it's part of growing up. My days go better when I'm putting on a smile whether it be fake or not, it still makes my days better. Maybe I'll try to sleep now. Goodnight blogger :)