I felt like I needed to actually write a positive blog. One about the three most important people to me (aside from family).
Friends are important as a teenager, am I right? I've got three tremendous friends that I would do anything in the world for. Three that mean absolutely everything to me. Three that I love with all my heart til the very end. They're all three completely different people.
There's more than just these three that are important to me but these three have put a real and true impact on me and have helped me through so much especially right now - when I've needed help the most.
The first one is a gorgeous Southern oriented blondie. She's the truest person to me. I've known this girl since I was in 7th grade. She's the light at the end of my tunnel. No girl has a heart like hers. She's been here for me since day one. Nothing could ever get in the way of us. I worry about her more than I worry about myself. I watch out for her best interest more than my own. She's my sunshine, my everything. Her name is Anna Davidson and I love her.
The second one is a cute curly-haired genius. She's the most fun person to be around. She's smarter than she looks, even genius. I can't even begin to describe how much this girl means to me. She is a real friend - she'd do anything for me. She's the one person that makes me smile above the rest. She knows how to make me happy even when I'm sad. She's got my back when I'm a damnsel in destress. (no idea how to spell that so uhhh soung it out) This girl is the one person who truly gets me and understands me and why I am the way I am. She's the one person that truly makes me feel good about myself. She's everything anyone would need and she's got a hell of a personality. I really can't even put words here for how much this girl means to me. Her name is Emma Williamson and I love her.
The third girl is a misunderstood skinny bombshell. She's had her fair share of problems in life which is why I can relate to her so well. So many people think so bad of her because of what they hear but no one actually gives her the chance to prove herself. I've known her for two years but just started to hangout with her this summer. I've basically wasted away my summer with her and I've enjoyed every minute of it. She makes me realize that not everything is perfect and she's shown me that I have some one there whenever I need them. Her name is Collin Brown and I love her.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Family Tree - wait no, family history.
Isn't family is supposed to be the realest thing to you? They're all supposed to love you and be there for you no matter what. My family isn't exactly like that. My mom and her side of the family has always been very welcoming and open armed because they know how to be a family. But my dad and his side? Only half of them are faithful to treating me like family.
I feel as if I dread on my family problems too much. I feel like I'm a negative Nancy and well because it's true..I am.
Has anyone read the blog about my dad? Does anyone know the background about my dad? It's a sad situation, I know. Sympathy is all I ever get about it. Maybe I want more..maybe I actually want my dad.
I was sitting at lunch at Applebees with my Nannie yesterday and she brought up an interesting topic. My dad. She informed me that my mom told her this - my dad only ever ate one meal a day. She followed that statement by pointing out I'm the same way. I'll munch throughout the day but only eat one actual meal a day. I kinda actually smiled, knowing I obtain some of his small traits like that. It makes me feel like I have part of him since I'm similar to him in some ways.
We also had a conversation about his mother, my grandmother - Lorraine, and that was a difficult conversation to have. You see, Lorraine isn't Grandma or Grammy or Mimi or Mawmaw or Granny...she's just Lorraine. She's never really been a big part of my life. She neglected me just like my father. I guess that's where he got the idea. When I was an infant, she always watched over me and spent time with me then decided she didn't want to. I guess since my dad was having an affair with my mom behind his wife's back, Lorraine didn't approve. My great-grandmother, Olga Prokapuk, had met me when I was a baby; the strange thing was - she never knew I was her grand-daughter. Lorraine wouldn't allow her to know because she felt like it was a disappointment my dad wasn't married to my mom and that's why Olga didn't know I was her blood. That's the first thing she did to mess up.
As you can see already, Lorraine is not a nice woman. Even though I'm her blood - her grand-daughter, she treats me like a stranger. I was with my Nannie when I was about 9 and we were at a tanning bed salon. We happened to be near Lorraine's house and she happened to attend that salon. I was sitting out in the waiting room - waiting for Nannie to finish, and Lorraine ironically was there...tanning. She came out the room and stared at me for a few seconds and realized who I was and just left the salon as if I was a stranger. It's not like she didn't know what I looked like. My babysitter was her direct next door neighbor. I was next door to Lorraine every single day for years and she didn't speak to me once. That's the second thing she's done to mess up.
February of my 8th grade year, my uncle Roscoe (my aunt from my dad's sides husband) died from an enlarged heart. He was a very loving, well-known man. We went to his burial ceremony and can you guess who was there? You got it...Lorraine. She was prancing around like a little hot shot with her other daughter, my other aunt, Lorri. Lorri never really accepted me either. I attended this ceremony with my mom and we were standing around waiting for everybody to get to the ceremony. Lorraine and Lorri were standing right in front of us. They turned around and took one look at me and started laughing. I felt heartbroken and torn my own family and blood couldn't speak to me. That's the third thing Lorraine has done to mess up.
I thought blood and family meant you always stick together. For a while this whole Lorraine, Lorri, and my dad situation shook me up. It still breaks my heart but then in March, I met my dad's real dad - my Papa. My dad was adopted by one of Lorraine's husbands so I never knew I even had a long lost grandpa that lived in Michigan. I also met his wife - my Mimi. And I met their kids: Christine, Greg, and Brian. (which are my aunts and uncles.) Along with them, I met their wives/husbands - and all their children (my cousins.) They lightened up my upset side because they showed me I still have them to count on.
Why am I telling you all this? Maybe because I need to vent about it. Maybe I need to let it all out and tell you a little history about my family. Maybe this will show you why I'm always deep down sad and emotionally messed up.
I feel as if I dread on my family problems too much. I feel like I'm a negative Nancy and well because it's true..I am.
Has anyone read the blog about my dad? Does anyone know the background about my dad? It's a sad situation, I know. Sympathy is all I ever get about it. Maybe I want more..maybe I actually want my dad.
I was sitting at lunch at Applebees with my Nannie yesterday and she brought up an interesting topic. My dad. She informed me that my mom told her this - my dad only ever ate one meal a day. She followed that statement by pointing out I'm the same way. I'll munch throughout the day but only eat one actual meal a day. I kinda actually smiled, knowing I obtain some of his small traits like that. It makes me feel like I have part of him since I'm similar to him in some ways.
We also had a conversation about his mother, my grandmother - Lorraine, and that was a difficult conversation to have. You see, Lorraine isn't Grandma or Grammy or Mimi or Mawmaw or Granny...she's just Lorraine. She's never really been a big part of my life. She neglected me just like my father. I guess that's where he got the idea. When I was an infant, she always watched over me and spent time with me then decided she didn't want to. I guess since my dad was having an affair with my mom behind his wife's back, Lorraine didn't approve. My great-grandmother, Olga Prokapuk, had met me when I was a baby; the strange thing was - she never knew I was her grand-daughter. Lorraine wouldn't allow her to know because she felt like it was a disappointment my dad wasn't married to my mom and that's why Olga didn't know I was her blood. That's the first thing she did to mess up.
As you can see already, Lorraine is not a nice woman. Even though I'm her blood - her grand-daughter, she treats me like a stranger. I was with my Nannie when I was about 9 and we were at a tanning bed salon. We happened to be near Lorraine's house and she happened to attend that salon. I was sitting out in the waiting room - waiting for Nannie to finish, and Lorraine ironically was there...tanning. She came out the room and stared at me for a few seconds and realized who I was and just left the salon as if I was a stranger. It's not like she didn't know what I looked like. My babysitter was her direct next door neighbor. I was next door to Lorraine every single day for years and she didn't speak to me once. That's the second thing she's done to mess up.
February of my 8th grade year, my uncle Roscoe (my aunt from my dad's sides husband) died from an enlarged heart. He was a very loving, well-known man. We went to his burial ceremony and can you guess who was there? You got it...Lorraine. She was prancing around like a little hot shot with her other daughter, my other aunt, Lorri. Lorri never really accepted me either. I attended this ceremony with my mom and we were standing around waiting for everybody to get to the ceremony. Lorraine and Lorri were standing right in front of us. They turned around and took one look at me and started laughing. I felt heartbroken and torn my own family and blood couldn't speak to me. That's the third thing Lorraine has done to mess up.
I thought blood and family meant you always stick together. For a while this whole Lorraine, Lorri, and my dad situation shook me up. It still breaks my heart but then in March, I met my dad's real dad - my Papa. My dad was adopted by one of Lorraine's husbands so I never knew I even had a long lost grandpa that lived in Michigan. I also met his wife - my Mimi. And I met their kids: Christine, Greg, and Brian. (which are my aunts and uncles.) Along with them, I met their wives/husbands - and all their children (my cousins.) They lightened up my upset side because they showed me I still have them to count on.
Why am I telling you all this? Maybe because I need to vent about it. Maybe I need to let it all out and tell you a little history about my family. Maybe this will show you why I'm always deep down sad and emotionally messed up.
No such thing as perfection? Good things come to those who wait? Hmm...
We all ask for things, things that are impossible to obtain. We reach for our deepest dreams and wishes. We ask for a perfect this, a perfect that. Perfect? Is there such thing as that? No. There isn't a thing even close to perfect. No perfect line, no perfect shape, no perfect day, no perfect life, no perfect person.
Now, we're all trained to think bad things happen and good things come to those who wait. Is that belief even a real thing? I've been waiting for a good thing to occur for some time now and it has yet to come. I question though, when it comes, what will it be? Will it be my prince charming? Will it be money? Will it be even a faint step to happiness? Who knows!
Now, we're all trained to think bad things happen and good things come to those who wait. Is that belief even a real thing? I've been waiting for a good thing to occur for some time now and it has yet to come. I question though, when it comes, what will it be? Will it be my prince charming? Will it be money? Will it be even a faint step to happiness? Who knows!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
I've recently found myself in a situation where there's no solution. I've been sent to my grandmother's (Nannie), by choice, to get away. Here; I have no life. My mom took my cell phone, facebook, and all social life away. I can't talk to anyone other than my Nannie. It hasn't even been 24 hours since my mom took my phone/facebook and I'm already bored as can be without. I never knew how much I rely on drama to keep me from being bored to tears. But, in this less than 24 hours I've already learned not to rely on my phone or facebook for entertainment.
This whole situation I'm in has torn me to pieces though. My mom and I literally lost our relationship and we were suggested family counseling would help. My Mimi is so sick and I'm worried to death about her. I tried texting my dad but of course he didn't respond. The boy I'm absolutely crazy about won't talk to me like he used to for no reason; he just decided to drop me. I don't get to see my family in Michigan this summer like I planned to. My sister shut me out randomly and hasn't responded to me. I got into so much trouble Tuesday night that I lost my social life. I was dealing with a scare for about a week which is all fine now but the thoughts that were going through my head were unbearable.
I feel completely alone in this big world, I feel attacked like some one is out to get me. I'm slowly shutting down to everyone and everything. I feel like I can't rely on the people I used to. I feel like everytime I have a problem and run to someone, I sound like a broken record that no one wants to listen to. I feel like part of me is missing. Not to mention all my personal flaws I realized last night during a deep talk with my Nannie. I realized I have so many problems I need to work out.
I had a question brought up to me last night by my Nannie; "Maybe you should try therapy." Therapy? Isn't that where crazy people go? I thought to myself "Nannie is insane for ever suggesting that." Then, ten minutes later I thought to myself "maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe some one will actually listen to me and help me." Therapy? The place where crazy people go... just might be what I need. The more I think about how sucky things are right now the more personal problems I find myself running into. The thoughts I come across when I send myself down a depression spiral are just psycho thoughts. I think things like "would life for people be easier without me?" The more I think about it, the more I think personal therapy may not be so bad after all.
Whatever the solution is, needs to be found soon. I find myself breaking and breaking and breaking...how many times can I break 'til I shatter?
This whole situation I'm in has torn me to pieces though. My mom and I literally lost our relationship and we were suggested family counseling would help. My Mimi is so sick and I'm worried to death about her. I tried texting my dad but of course he didn't respond. The boy I'm absolutely crazy about won't talk to me like he used to for no reason; he just decided to drop me. I don't get to see my family in Michigan this summer like I planned to. My sister shut me out randomly and hasn't responded to me. I got into so much trouble Tuesday night that I lost my social life. I was dealing with a scare for about a week which is all fine now but the thoughts that were going through my head were unbearable.
I feel completely alone in this big world, I feel attacked like some one is out to get me. I'm slowly shutting down to everyone and everything. I feel like I can't rely on the people I used to. I feel like everytime I have a problem and run to someone, I sound like a broken record that no one wants to listen to. I feel like part of me is missing. Not to mention all my personal flaws I realized last night during a deep talk with my Nannie. I realized I have so many problems I need to work out.
I had a question brought up to me last night by my Nannie; "Maybe you should try therapy." Therapy? Isn't that where crazy people go? I thought to myself "Nannie is insane for ever suggesting that." Then, ten minutes later I thought to myself "maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe some one will actually listen to me and help me." Therapy? The place where crazy people go... just might be what I need. The more I think about how sucky things are right now the more personal problems I find myself running into. The thoughts I come across when I send myself down a depression spiral are just psycho thoughts. I think things like "would life for people be easier without me?" The more I think about it, the more I think personal therapy may not be so bad after all.
Whatever the solution is, needs to be found soon. I find myself breaking and breaking and breaking...how many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I swear to you, I do care
Caring? What is it? I can tell you. It’s the act of someone meaning something to you and chasing after them to be there to catch them when they fall. To help someone stand back up when they fall is caring. To care about someone is when you would go to the end of the Earth for them even when they would never do that for you. Caring about someone may include having feelings for someone no matter what they think about you. Also, caring may mean to always think about someone periodically throughout the day even when they never think about you. You know how I figured out I care about you? Because all of these definitions I’ve stated about caring fit how I think about you. All I want to do is to be there with open arms for you and take you in when you need someone and you would never think twice about doing that for me. All I want to do is love you, and care for you, and make you happy but you’re too preoccupied with your ex. She manipulates you and makes you unhappy. It hurts me, it tears me down, and it breaks my heart that you don’t realize what’s right here in front of you. Just three weeks ago you hated her and you told me you had feelings for me…what happened? What changed? I’m still the same person and so is she. I’m better in every way you could think of. I’m even too good for you, yet all I want is you. I want you to want me too. I want you to care about me. I want you to think about me all day every day. I want you to text me randomly because you were thinking about me. I want you to call me at night just because you wanted to hear my voice. I want you to love me. I crave for you, I crave your touch, I crave your kisses, I crave your smile, I crave your eyes, I crave your laugh, I crave your freckles, I crave your love and I crave your walk…your talk…your everything. No one makes me laugh the way you do, or smile, or even keep me happy. Lately, you haven’t treated me well because you’re embarrassed about something stupid and it makes you look shady. The fact you want her and not me is grimy and unattractive. Even your friends hate her and they said straight to your face they hate her and love me. We were perfect, everything was bliss and then you listened to what people were saying. You let people get under your skin about me. You’re a flaky person by the way you act towards me now. And the day you realize no one will ever care about you like I do, you’ll feel stupid. You’ll feel like a fool. The sad part is…I’ll probably still be here, waiting for you, to care about me too.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Your Eyes
We have a history...we've been on and off for two years. I promised myself I would put a door up between you and my feelings; to never go back to how I felt for you two years ago.
I'm not in love with you but you certainly know how to make my heart race; from your smile, to your freckles, up to your big brown eyes. I can stare in your eyes and realize I'm absolutely crazy for you.Your kisses make me melt completely. You can make me laugh, smile, and be happy. Your touch makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I'm flying. Cuddling with you makes me feel safe, like you're a safe place for me to be. I can talk to you about anything and everything. We know each others' life stories. An hour with you can make my day the greatest. I unlocked that door and opened it right up to you. You play a little game with me because you know I'm attached and you know you have control but I've still began to fall for you again and my mind is in a daze. You're too old for me though, and your friends give you a hard time about my age. Nothing makes me more upset than knowing we could never be together, simply because of the age difference. I knew we'd never be able to get into a relationship from the start but I didn't let it get to me and now I'm realizing that was a mistake. I've fallen for you, I've caught crazy feelings for you, and I will always care about you. I even love you; obviously not the true "in love" stage but I do love you. I won't allow myself to get caught up in real love. Even though you're constant head games upset me...I won't let it hurt me...I won't allow myself to get hurt by anything or anyone ever again. I just hope I never lose you because you mean the absolute world to me and always will.
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