Who Am I Hates Who I've Been

Can some one tell me right from wrong? Cuz honestly I don't know. Everyone close to me has disappeared. Everyone I cared about is now gone. What did I do wrong? Oh right...everything

This song makes me feel a little better...hopefully I'll move on, from this sadness

My Turn

Neither of us are perfect. Neither of us were/are innocent. We've both said stuff and did stuff we shouldn't have. We let an extraordinary friendship fall apart for what? To deal with loosing each other? To deal with the petrifying question "why aren't you and her friends anymore?" What good did that do for us? It may have done good for you and you may plan on not dwelling on the situation but I'm going to dwell on it every day until I move on. You may word it as "learning about heart break and betrayal" but I  look at it as bull shit. Unfair and unexplainable bull shit. We get told daily that we shouldn't be friends and we promised each other and ourselves we'd prove them wrong. What did we do? We proved them right. That makes me feel so weak that we couldn't hold on. We couldn't work things out. All we did was give the silent treatment. All we did was give up rather than talk it out. All we did was find flaws in each other.  We may have fought our asses off with each other, we may have annoyed the crap out of each other, we may have disagreed on every little thing, we may have acted like bitches to each other, and we may have gotten sick of each other but our friend ship was real, it all happened, we were like sisters, and we were each other's everything. Now I have the feeling things won't go back because the both of us are way too stubborn and you've got a new best friend but regardless of any negative thing I've ever said directed towards you...I'll always care. I may look at you like you're crazy every day when I see you, I may feel awkward tension between us 24/7, I may be keeping a secret from you about something that I promised I wouldn't tell you even though the person I promised has the biggest damn mouth and tells people things when they promised they wouldn't, I may have called you selfish (in all honesty I don't even remember saying it) but I would NEVER text you and call you a "selfish slut," and I would NEVER walk up to you and "brag about hanging out with Emma." Just in case you thought that I would do that, I wouldn't. I can honestly say I will never hate you. I may get angry with you and say something to some one I don't mean and regret, I may be the biggest bitch in the world about the whole situation, I may be a bad friend for not telling you something you should know about something/some one, I may act like I'm in middle school about us not being friends, I may break down constantly and act unneffected, but I'm effected in more ways then believable and even if you find it "not a bad thing," I find it horrible and feel weaker than ever.

People are poeple, and sometimes we change our minds??

Friends come and go through high school. You never get along with anyone longer than a year and a half. Best friends constantly replace you every school year. Your teachers make you more angry than the best friends replacing you. You enter high school with one or two REAL friends and leave high school with one or two different REAL friends; or none because no one's ever truly there through it all. All in all, high school basically sucks and there's nothing you can do about. Your dad is not present in your life. Your best friend is no longer your best friend over what? Your disappearing best friend's ex hits on you, jokingly I hope. You start talking to some one new then get wrapped back up in your ex then have another guy kiss you three times in the hallway when no one's around. You can't tell secrets to anyone because they always get around. Your whole school is herpes infested. Your grades are awful. You have never met your sister. Even outside of high school, things are always messed up. Nothing ever goes right these days anymore. I don't feel like anyone deserves the problems they go through, and I don't believe I do either. 

I've learned through out all the troubles I deal with on a daily basis: nothing is perfect, every one makes mistakes, true friends end up not being so true, and where I live is absolutely unsatisfying. I can complain all I want but none of this is going to change. I'm never going to have a relationship with my dad, my grades are never going to improve, my friends are never going to stay my friends, I'm always going to get replaced, disappearing best friends' ex's are always going to hit on me when I would never even go there, boys are always going to be a problem, I'm  never going to like my high school, herpes is going to continue spreading therefore I will still never touch a boy at mhs, and no one will ever stay true.

I'm just a lonely girl whom could care less what anyone thinks about me. I will never get my way with anything and I've learned just to be ok with that. 

Take Time to Realize

When I look back at all my past relationships, I've realized the never work. Thinking about this more in depth I realize it's solely because I don't have a dad to show me how it is to have a male figure in your life that loves you unconditionally. I think that's why I'm always searching for a boy. I think that's why I get scared and run away, because I don't want anyone to leave me hanging again. I think that's why my relationships last only a few weeks or months (minus Joe of course.) I just want to be a girl who's loved by her dad...I  want to know how to trust, to care, and to love.

Number One

The one thing I want more than anything is a number one who also calls me there number one. I want a number one who I hangout with every single weekend. I want a number one who I text every day with the latest drama or something. I want a number one I can call when some big drama goes down. I want a number one who I can count on to always be there. I want a number one who will stick up for me always. I want a number one who would never replace me. I want a number one who will always love me and never act differently towards me no matter what happens. I had a number one, then it started to disappear and it's practically gone now. All I want...is a best friend to never leave me like all my best friend's do. I don't want to be ignored. (by the way guys, this is not referred to anyone so I hope no one takes this the wrong way) I just want to be loved, for me, for who I am..always and forever.