Let Go

I've recently learned if you take everything so seriously, you'll never be happy. If you let people affect you in the sense of hurting your feelings over harsh words then you simply need to re-evaluate your life and thoughts. When you stop worrying so much and just let loose and free, the happiness usually comes right afterwards. Look at me, I was the most depressed, sad, heartbroken, lost, angry girl but then when I decided to just live... I haven't been happier and I don't even have a reason. I'm just living and it's the best feeling in the whole world. 

Trust

Trust - the act of feeling emotions powerful enough to allow yourself vulnerability and let your guard down around some one. Most must earn trust, it is not simply given. There are few you give trust to though, with a natural feeling of comfort. You wonder why you trust few so easily but it's simply caused by their energy and compassion mixed with your own energy and compassion. The ability to be trusted so easily is a real gift and a prize. You must never lose sight of the ones you trust crystal clear. It will always be senseless regardless of how hard you try to understand why but you just have to soak it in and run with it.

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes.

I look in the mirror and think so myself: "who am I?" I've been wondering that for the last year. Everything about myself makes me unhappy. Every last detail, I wonder why I'm the way I am. Maybe it's from all the damage that's been mentally done to me. Maybe I'm at my last leg and I can't take anymore so I just shut down inside and think to myself about all the things I could change to make me better. I never act on it though, I stay the same person I've been unhappy with for so long. I question every action I take and ask "what could I have done different, done better?" I'm falling down, crumbling to pieces and for what? For nothing. I feel so alone day in and day out. Maybe it's because people hear, but don't listen. I can't recall the last time some one asked me if I was ok or asked "what's going on in that mind of yours?" People just don't care, they make me feel useless. I wonder why we're programed to be the shitty people we are and no answers have called down to me. Sometimes, I just feel senseless. Wait...no, I always have a sense, a sense I wish I couldn't feel. At least not as roughly. I don't know what I'm going to do to make myself feel any better, I don't know if I even want to try because it's always going to get shot down leaving me feeling alone and helpless...

Why? Why is all I can ask.

The way teenagers, and adults for that matter, treat each other these days sends so much hatred and heartbreak through my limbs and veins and heart. It upsets me to the core yet there's no escape. Thinking about the 6 young people that have died in the past year should show everyone we're not as invincible as we may think. We're the complete opposite.There's so much violence and mistreatment towards everyone. Such hostility rather than working something out is just ignorant. One day, one day...I hope we all learn from our mistakes rather than making them over and over and over again. It's not fair to others for acting the way we do.We must be the change we want to see...but why haven't we changed?

Gage Edwards (boog), Avery Spence (ave the rave), Maggie Moyler, Hunter Hatcher, Tre Walton (sleepy), and Tyler Davidson...I hope you angels are resting in paradise and watching over all of us. You're either workin hard or hardly workin ;) You are all so missed and so loved. 

These thoughts bring me to another point too. Gage's parents question maybe God is preparing us for some big event brewing. Or taking you good ones to prevent you from being jaded and lost into the madness of reality. I wonder if his parents are right. It all makes sense to me.

How do you know?

Sometimes I wonder what true love really is. How do people know when they're in love? Is it a feeling..or a look..or what? How long does it take to fall in love..is there a limit? Can you genuinely fall in love more than once?

I can honestly say my boyfriend is the most amazing guy I've ever known. He's so real and genuine, he's caring and compassionate. He makes me feel a happiness I didn't know existed in my deep, dark, mysterious world. If he makes me feel this that I've never felt before, am I in love with him? I know I love him, he's more than perfect for who I want to be with. Being in his presence just gives me intense butterflies and my whole body tingles. When he comes over and knocks on my door, just looking through my peep hole seeing he's here, tangible and I can grab him and reach him and never let go sends chills down my back. Looking deeply in his eyes and just not being able to control a grin from ear to ear dash out of my face, glowing brighter than the sun, makes me know I wouldn't ever have the desire to be with anyone else but him. Am I blinded by those pacific blue eyes...or is it love growing? How do you know...

Rest in Peace, angel

Gage Michael Edwards left his mark on us, like tattoos on this town. I love you forever and you're always in my heart. I miss you more and more everyday baby. It's crazy that it's already been four months since you've been gone. I keep hoping I'll wake up in the morning and this will all be a really long, cruel, nightmare, and you'll be there in the morning. Just promise me you'll fly high and watch over all of us and keep us safe. You're our guardian angel. 

I swear this time I mean it.

Nothing feels worse than making some one your everything and caring about them so much only to have them forget about you and act as if you only exist when it's convenient for them. This, would be some one whom makes me feel like that. He is my bestfriend. I feel like I invest all my time in catering to him and expressing to him how much he means to me. He doesn't care though. He pretends I'm only here when he's bored. I try my best to please him, help him, care for him, and make him realize I'm here for him but he only seems to push away more and more everyday. We went through a rough patch in December, but I didn't think that would ruin our friendship. I love this kid with all I have and I wish him loved me back. He says he does, but actions speak louder than words. Atleast that's what my mom has always told me. We look stupid in this picture but it was the first picture we ever took together. I miss showing up at his house, bawling my eyes out like when Gage died, and him being the only person who was there for me through it all. He would always tell me it's ok and he's there for me. And I believed it, I thought I was actually his bestfriend too. I was for a little, but then he grew apart from me. He's the one person who is never here for me. I text him all the time with a problem or call him and he just ignores it or tells me to suck it up. It's not that easy, sometimes I need you to care too. No one makes me smile as bright as Trey does. No one makes me laugh as hard as Trey does. No one makes me love as genuinely as Trey does. No one makes me as happy as Trey does, even though he hasn't been a great bestfriend to me lately...he still makes me happy. Just seeing him makes me jump for joy. I miss going to his house and jumping on his bed like a bunch of baboons being goofier than ever. I love him, with all my heart and I always will. He has made a huge impact on me and I can honestly say I'll never forget him. There's so much more I could say about him but thinking about it leaves me at a loss of words. 

 

"I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best"

In these bodies we will live, and these bodies we will die.

Nothing is sweeter than looking into your eyes

I love your smile. I love your dimples. I love your bright blue atlantic eyes. I love your smell. I love the way your hands feel. I love scratching your back. I love how you get embarrassed easier than anyone I know. I love how when you feel embarrassed, your face turns cherry red. I love your hugs, so tight and caring. I love your kisses, so gentle and content. I love the way you fidget when you're nervous. I love the way you look at me and just get this stupid smirk on your face. I love your friends. I love when you come over, tired after work for five minutes, just to kiss me goodnight. I love when I wake up to paragraph texts from you explaining how you feel because you're not one to open up and express what you're thinking. I love how you you play with my hair. I love when you sleepover and wake up in the middle of the night and wiggle which wakes me up then you kiss me and rub my back til I fall back asleep. I love when I look up at you and you glow. I love how you kiss me unexpectedly on my forehead and cheeks and lips and neck and tummy. I love how you spend every moment you can with me and still balance everything out in your life. I love the hairs on your stomach and the little faint hairs under your eyes. I love when you call me baby and princess. I love how you make me know you care about me. I love how you go out of your way to do what you can for me. I love how you're so book smart, but lack all common sense. I love how you involve yourself in sports; and when you're about to go to a game, you get more excited than an eight year old on Christmas morning. I love how you're so modest and don't boast about all the amazing traits you obtain. I love how you can tell when something's wrong and you don't stop til you know what's making me upset and fix it to your best ability. I love how you drive really fast because "you like to get where you're going." I love how your eyes squint really tight when you laugh. I love spending every waking moment I can with you and I wouldn't have it any other way at all. You're all mine, and I like it that way.

The sweet isn't as sweet without the bitter.

Tonight seems like another sleepless night where I sit up all night pondering upon pointless thoughts. Everything's just one up and down roller coaster ride after another. I'm in love with my bestfriend and crazy about my boyfriend. I miss gages big blue eyes more and more everyday. My sister still hasn't talked to me, it's been almost a month. I've done nothing wrong to her but she just shut me out and I miss her. I hate pretending to be nice to people I don't like. My brothers mom is a perfect example. She pulled some psycho things on my mom when she was pregnant with me and I'm not really pro-Sabrina for what she did. But I miss my brother and I want to see him so I'm forced to be nice to Sabrina. Brent is always on my mind though speaking of my brother. I wish he didn't live so far away. I wonder if my papas gunna be ok or my Mimi or my Nannie. They're all so sick from pulmonary fibrosis to lupus to severe cancer. I wonder when it'll end. I like to try to keep a smile on my face though, everyone has enough problems as it is they shouldn't have to worry about me. I'm a tough girl...I've gone through enough, I can handle myself right? I'm glad people I trust are the only ones that can read this. I'd be mortified if the public read my deepest thoughts and secrets. The thing I hate about high schoolers is they're always judging, never stoping once to think about what other people are going through. Even if it's something small and pointless, it's still not easy and may be hard. Judging some one doesn't define the judegee it defines the judger. If I could get along with everyone, I really would. I hate how there's the "popular cool" kids and the "weird kids" that no one talks to. They're typically the nicer ones and easygoing. I like them much better. Like this one girl in my chemistry class, she's quite different than the normal Midlothian high schooler and I talked to her for the first time today. She was so nice and complimentive. I respected it so much. I used to go about my daily routines being a sad girl whom dwelled on everything. Plus only talked to people that were "cool" but I'm getting a new outlook upon things. I guess it's part of growing up. My days go better when I'm putting on a smile whether it be fake or not, it still makes my days better. Maybe I'll try to sleep now. Goodnight blogger :)

Suffocation, no breathing

When it rains it pours. But apparently there's always sun peeking through the clouds? Why can't I see the sun? I feel like I'm suffocating in my problems. I lie in bed staring, I always feel my walls moving in on me. I feel like I'm drowning in self pity. I dream of some one sweeping me off my feet and caring me into a dream land where everything is perfect. But in reality nothing is ever perfect. When im happy, something always invades it and sends me in a spiraling daze of confusion. A confusion that makes me a wreck, where I feel like I'm falling apart. I drove away from Trey's today bawling my eyes out. I don't cry, let alone in front of people and I cried on trey today. I opened up and let my guard down to him and I didn't expect that. I thought I was doing so good at holding a wall up between my weakness but clearly, I wasn't doing a very good job. Every time he would ask me if I was ok, I'd respond yes. I wonder if he knew I was lying. Because I'm really not ok. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so lost, and I don't feel like I'm in control of anything anymore. I feel like other people are controlling my life, my happiness, and all the above.

This is pointless.

I run away from my problems whether than face the truth. When I'm scared of getting in trouble, I lie. Giving up is not in my vocabulary. I'm only 5'3. I have more than one best friend; Emma, Collin, and Shannon. Losing some one is my biggest weaknesses. I please people and make them happy before myself. I think cheering is dumb but I love it more than anything. Trashy girls make me angry. I'm the biggest hypocrite. I wish my best friend didn't move to Fredericksburg. The past year has left me in an absolute mess. I can honestly say I am unhappy. I believe in fairy tales. I think Harry is an asshole but I still care about him. It doesn't take much at all to get me down let alone fall apart. When people say negative things about my insecurities, I turn into a wreck. Snoring makes me cringe. I burp more than the average male. My mom is my biggest hero and my number one. The beach is my happy place. I wish I was flawless when the truth is, I have more flaws than anything else and I'm ok with that. I love pizza but Chinese food is my favorite. I have Judaism in my blood line. I'm boy crazy. I want my dad in my life but that's the one thing I will never have. I work way too much. I never get a break from anything. I want to be happy. My nails are almost always painted. I'm so lazy I can hardly ever get up to even shut my door. I hate everyone but I'm nice. I can be a blunt bitch. I'm two-faced at times and have said at least one bad thing about every one. I wish I was different. I like my body but I'm constantly finding things I don't like about it. I always think about the past. I dwell on everything. I think I'm going to fail in life. My dad is a prick, I wish he loved me. I lose friends regularly. I'm terrified of falling in love but I obsess over it. I get sick a lot. I live on twitter. I believe in things happen for a reason. I like Cory, a lot. He slept over last night. I stare at my ceiling at night and think about everything. I easily get hurt and I'm sensative. I put up a front on who I am. I think I'm a good friend, if I really care about you because I would do anything for anyone. I rant a lot. I'm done. Bye. 

Because of You

Hard times happen, we all deal with it in a different way. I'm always being damaged by my dad. He will never change.

Save your heart

"She struggles to find herself in time, but she can barely move. Just try to get up, you've got to slowly brush off - I know that words aren't enough but you're better than this. Save your heart..."

Is it ok to feel again? To move away from my numb, cold, dark inner demons..

Fear is the heart of love

Everthing always ends in "what if?"

It all started on a balmy hot Friday night, June 11th 2010 to be exact. You rolled up to Tori's with Matt and I just saw you as this cute guy who I wanted to know. I was surprisingly more shy than I had imagined to getting to know you but by the end of the night we were flirting and hanging out. Later that night I recall texting Matt about you and then we were chatting a little to the point where you gave me your  number. I remember it as it were yesterday even though it was a year and a half ago. We talked every day all day after that night. We hung out a little before we quickly jumped into a relationship. 11:11pm on June 25, 2011 it officially turned into us. You then left to a place that ruined it all for a month over the summer. I remember you calling me every night to talk to me, little did I know you had been cheating on me. I was gone for cheering camp when you came home and the day I got back we all went to Busch Gardens; me, you, your sister, your mom, your brother, and his girlfriend. We were all having a blast, while I was still clueless that you had been cheating on me. It wasn't long after that when I found out of your thoughtless actions that led me down a heart broken road. I found out about the first girl; the minute I found out I collapsed to the ground, breathless, wondering why you could do this to me after you said you loved me. I was told about another girl, whom you swore to me you didn't cheat on me with but then the day before Thanksgiving I found out it was all a lie. Everything, you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I still stuck with you, stayed in a relationship with you and after a while had seemed to forget the hell you put me through. Right before school started I ended it but we were still together. I took you back again and in March, I finally realized I couldn't handle looking at you every day thinking it was still the same, thinking you really did love me. How could you love me after you cheated on me? It wasn't possible. You swore to me you did though and I believed you. We spent every day together almost. I attended your hockey games, came over for dinner rather often, cooked with your mom and dad and sister, went away for the weekend with you, went to lunch with you after school, got to know all of your friends as well as you got to know mine, and I loved you. We still stayed together after this harsh realization it was all a lie but then I just couldn't handle it and in May, it was finally all over. For good. You kept chasing after me, and I wasn't having it. I ran away from all my problems and they kept coming after me again. I pushed and pushed away from you harder and harder each time and you finally stopped. Then everything in my life kept getting worse and worse and it was all crumbling around me. I didn't know who else to turn to, I didn't know where to go. It was like I was trapped in a maze you didn't realize you were the light at the end of the tunnel. I just gave up, and ran to you as my safe place again. Now, we've got our friendship back and that's more than we've been able to say since June. It's started to hit me that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to open up to you again so that's what I've been doing. And now I keep pondering upon the idea: what if it worked out between us? We were the strong couple, we got through it all. We made it through the roughest problems. We taught each other what love was..what trust was..what honesty was. Maybe it didn't start out like that after all we went through but a world of WHAT IFS is running through my head. I do love you, with all my heart. Maybe not the love I thought it was but I still love you. You are my best friend. Even though you like this girl I work with and I like some guy I work with, I still wonder...wonder about crazy things. I wonder more and more everyday.

One and only

This woman right here, to the left in the picture with me, means more to me than anything. She means more to me than my friends, my phone, food, and life itself. I love her more than I could ever show or tell and I wish I could show her that. I mess up a lot and find myself in situations which disappoint her. It breaks my heart to break her heart and find her angry with me. Starting today until forever, I will prove to her that I mean that. I will prove to her I love her and care about her. She is so strong and deals with a lot, yet she stands strong and doesn't let anything get her down. She's the one that helps me find my inner strength, she helps me succeed, and she's gotten me to where I am today. My mom is my hero, she's my world. Everything about her is what I want to be. I look up to her and haven't shown her that. I need to grow up and mature and be the young lady she wants me to be. One thing I love about my mom is if something is wrong and I don't know what to do, I can run to her and she will give me the best advice she can. She's wise, she's smart, and she's beautiful from the inside out. I will show her I love her and mean all of this. I will show her I'm better than how I've been acting. I will do what she asks and fix myself..all for her. She deals with my dad and his crap on a daily basis, her mother has cancer and won't be around for long, her dad died on Valentine's day and her relationship with him was the same mess I go through yet she never falls and she never fails to be an amazing person. In simple words, I love my mom.

A promise.

Here lately I've been messing up terribly. I've disappointed my mom and that kills me that I did something to hurt her. She's my number one and my only one. This is my promise that I will better myself and become the person I'm supposed to be. I'm going to grow up and prove I'm not a terrible person like everyone thinks. I've let people down and done wrong and it's not ok with me in the least bit.

I'm going to work on my grades

I'm going to stop drinking and doing the typical bad teenager stuff

I will not lie

I will not cheat

I will not say mean things nor do mean things

And most importantly I will prove to my mom I care about her, love her, and respect her

I'm going through a rough time which has caused me to act out I guess. I may not be happy and there may be a lot wrong with me but I will fix that, starting today. I'm starting fresh. From here on out I will be a different person and shine the light on more positive things. I promise.

Please forgive me I have sinned

This is the last person I expected to blog about but I miss this person more than I ever imagined.

We dated for a year and it was all a crazy roller coaster with us. We both hurt each other in ways we never imagined but look at us now..we're having a life talk. I never thought the day would come for us to drop our past, mature, and get over it all. To this day you mean so much to me, you were such a big part of my life for so long and it's a relief you're back in it. Especially now, the conversation we're having is rather deep and at this moment, I don't know what I would do without you.

We've had our ups and a hell of a lot of downs but it taught us how to love, how to trust, and how to open up to other people. You're so amazing and you know my heart better than I do. and I never truly said goodbye to what we were in a respectful way, and I'm sorry for that. We did some messed up things to each other but we're learning. This is just a small little blog about the things I want to say but I'm glad to have you back as a best friend type of person jke<3

The crazy things

It's interesting and moving to think about how much I've gone through in general, particularly the last year. From losing friends, to getting arrested, to not getting along with my mom so dramatically where I wasn't even living with her, to getting my heart smashed by some one that meant the world to me, to my mom getting into a rough car accident and hospitalized, down to Gage's death; plus much more. It's all affected me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I had never felt so weak and defeated. In all honesty, I felt incredibly broken. Until tonight, I realized the amount of strength I've consumed. I've grown up so much more than half the people I know. I've matured in a number of perspectives. This has all been a windy road and one rough journey after another. I wouldn't be where I'm at without my friends but most of this has been inner demons and fears being conquered. Empowerment would be the perfect word to describe this feeling. I'm ambitious and I will go far if i keep this content state up. Everything has changed, maybe it wasn't for the better; but change isn't what to fear. Fear itself is what I should be afraid of. If I overcome fear..nothing will ever stop me.